Monday, February 27, 2012

The Great Nap Experiment

After weeks of beating our heads against the wall, we are once again trying something new when it comes to sleep and Harrison. Today is also the first day of track practice and there is no coincidence that these two events are happening simultaneously. Track season has always been a little rough on me - even before we had children - and now that we have two little ones in the house, I can only imagine what the next few months might be like. Ben leaves for school between 7:30 and 7:45 each morning. Now, if he (I) is (am) lucky, he'll be home by 5:30 or 5:45 each night. Perhaps there are other stay-at-home-mamas (or papas) out there that pull longer hours than that, but for me those are long days. And that doesn't even take into account what my days and nights will look like once meets start. But I digress....the point here is sleep. What else do I write/think/stress about?

No big surprise, but we are still struggling when it comes to getting good Z's. Last night, for the second time in three weeks, I managed to get four and a half hours in a row. That was a big deal and quite nice. I am sincerely hoping for more nights like that and maybe even some with even longer stretches. It was made possible, mostly, by Harrison managing to stay in his room all night (well, from about 8 or 8:30 until 6:30, so yes - all night). It was also made possible by Raegan going back to just one (instead of two or three) mid-night feeding(s). Now if only I knew what made him decide to stay put and her not nurse as often so I could push "repeat" again and again every night from here on out, I would be one happy girl. As it is, my fingers and toes are crossed and prayers are said that we get to have that all again (and again and again).

So, with a slightly renewed body and mind, we are embarking on a grand experiment today. I am not forcing Harrison to stay in his room to take a nap. Instead I am asking him continuously if he is ready for sleep so that he can decide when and if it is time for a nap. Now I am fully aware that a two-and-a-half-year-old isn't likely to concede to sleep any time soon. But I am also so totally sick of battling him every single day to go to sleep that I'm just over it. None of us will survive track if we have to spend 2-3 hours each afternoon fighting just to get an hour or so of nap.

This is brand new territory that is more than a little scary for me. I've never been one to just let my kiddo go until he crashes, and based on his energy level, crashing may come for me before it does for him. And who knows....this may last all of today. I really have no idea. I just know that this is one tactic we haven't tried, so why not. Based on how poorly things went at the end of last week when I was trying to force him to nap, I don't really see how it could get much worse.

At the moment Harrison is playing semi-solo and Raegan is in our room sleeping. Or maybe sleeping. I did hear her squawk a couple minutes ago, but now it seems to be quiet again. Nope. Take that back. Still squawking. And Harrison just told me (again) that he is "Not ready" for a nap yet. So, yes. My kids have some great aversion to sleep. Since I have yet to discover what to do about that, I guess I just have to roll with it. Here's hoping this experiment ends well (and with everyone getting more sleep).

Thursday, February 16, 2012

Second Time Around

In some ways, motherhood the second time around has been so much easier. Although my actual labor seemed a bit longer and more traumatic (Blow like a puffer fish? Really?! I still haven't recovered from that one), I was far more relaxed around my newborn this time than I was as a brand new mom. The simple truth is that I wasn't nearly as scared of Raegan when she was teeny tiny as I was of HD. That may sound bad, but prior to Harrison, I just did not have much (hardly any, actually) experience with babies. I was very much learning by the seat of my pants with him. This go, though, I was able to feel more confidant in my abilities to care for her. To nurse. To change a diaper. To get her to sleep. Now, these things have not been sunshine and roses 100% of the time (Hello, thrush? btw, typing that just now I wrote "Hell, thrush" the first time. How appropriate.) But the diapers & the swaddling & the stealing moments to just gaze at her beautiful face? I have been quite good at those tasks.

In some ways, motherhood the second time around has knocked me on my butt. I try to think back to what it was like with just one kiddo in the house and for the life of me, I can't quite remember. I also can't quite remember what it was like to be able to sleep when the baby slept. That just doesn't happen the second time around because the likelihood that both children are asleep at the same time (even at night) is so rare. Why did I not take advantage of that the first time? Here I thought I had to clean the house and work out when Harrison was napping. Now I don't have time for any of that or the main thing that I would like to do which is to just flop on the couch and veg a while. I mean, none of these are shocking revelations.... I knew we were in for BIG changes, but three months in and the magnitude of it all is still hitting me. Is it just me, or am I using a lot of violent verbs? Hmmmm....I must be worn out if my language choices are even reflecting the Great State of Tired. 

In some ways, motherhood the second time around has exceeded my expectations. For starters, I got my little girl. Have I ever mentioned just how happy and surprised I was when my doctor declared, "It's a girl!"??? I still thank my lucky stars every day that she is she and she is mine. More than that, though, I am astounded by how beautiful and unique both of my kids are. For as much as he may challenge me, Harrison also amazes me and makes my heart swell with love and pride when he does something nice for his sister or throws his arms around my neck for a hug and kiss or uses a word like "octagon" correctly. And Raegan? She is already such a charmer. She has the best lopsided grins and eyebrow raises that make everyone she meets grin right back at her. She's also a little go-getter already, too. The fact that she can't stop kicking her legs or rolling onto her side has me convinced that she'll be chasing her brother around the house sooner than later. That will be so good for him (& me too - maybe I can watch from the couch!)!

In some ways, motherhood the second time around is just plain different. I don't get the same one-on-one time with the new babe that I did with No. 1. And since I also don't get the same sleep, I try to look at the bright side of those middle-of-the-night feedings with Raegan and enjoy the extra moments of holding her in my arms. With HD, I was so hesitant to nurse or rock him to sleep. Actually, we were adamantly against either practice. With Little Miss, I find myself doing both quite often. Part of this is survival mode. If it works, you do it because the world spins madly on and a sleeping baby makes for a happy baby (and mama). Part of it, though, is just love. I love to hold her and snuggle her, and if the middle of the night is when I get to do that, so be it. She is often so peaceful in those moments and even with my bleary eyes and bleary mind, I can appreciate the beauty of it all. Plus, before I know it, either she'll no longer be such a little baby or this will no longer be just the second time around. Now wait, people. Do not read into that! No announcements being made here...just saying! Time flies and, God willing, kids grow. Thankfully so do parents, no matter what round they may be on.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

All Nighter

It is no secret that we have had some horrible, horrible sleep here lately. Pretty much since Raegan was born three months ago, Harrison's awesome 7-7 night sleeping disappeared and it has been hard on all of us. Two or three toddler wakings each night left both Ben and I exhausted, and we couldn't even relish the times when Raegan slept for five or six hours. We've had so much upheaval with the new baby and the new house, that some regression was expected, but an overtired mama and papa and toddler do not make for a very happy home. Finally, after a major meltdown Sunday night (or would it be Monday morning since it was 3 a.m.?), we decided something had to change.

We've been doing the walk back routine after pop outs from bed during nap and when going down for the night for a week now, but not during the mid-night wakings. Instead, Ben had been going in, changing the diaper and reading a book, singing a lullabye, etc. - basically redoing the nighttime routine two or three times each night. Do you see the problem? We finally did. Why would Harrison ever again sleep through the night if he got two or three extra special times with Daddy just for coming out of his room?!

Monday night was the first night of the walk back routine for the 1 a.m. (and 4 a.m. and 5 a.m.) wakings. It wasn't pretty. The first one took 40 minutes and involved a lot of crying. Raegan was the only one to sleep through it. The next two still weren't happy, but they certainly weren't that long and involved either. Next up came nap yesterday. While it still took a while (30 minutes), it was a great improvement over Monday (an hour and a half, if my tired brain remembers correctly). Then last night Ben only had to walk HD back to bed two or three times before the kiddo feel asleep (in his bed -also an accomplishment!) around 7 o'clock.

Here is where the story gets interesting. Fantastic, even.... Harrison slept through all the way until 6:20 this morning! He almost pulled a twelve hour sleep, just like he used to back in the glory days!! While I have no idea how this will play out during nap today or bed tonight, I do know that he is a happier boy this morning which makes for a happier mama as well (even if Raegan didn't exactly let me enjoy HD's full night of sleep). This has to be the best all nighter we've ever had! Here's hoping for many, many more!!!

Thursday, February 2, 2012

Hormone Overload?

So is there something about being three months out after having a baby that makes a girl uber emotional? I mean, I know I'm entering No Hair Land and that has to be some sort of hormonal thing. It happened at three months with Harrison, too. All of the hair that didn't shed during my pregnancy all decided to make a grand exit leaving me to chop my hair and then deal with the really odd regrowth that basically gave me a ring of new hair around the crown of my head. My hairdresser actually said it was one of the strangest things she's ever seen! My head is still recovering from that fall out and now I've started to notice that I'm leaving strands all over the house and baby again. Yea. I don't want to do a big cut, but may have to if if gets really bad.

But it's not just the hair loss that has me wondering. This has just been a rough week with lots of ups and downs. As usual, a lot of our (my) mood(s) center around sleep. I've decided to take the Super Nanny approach to Harrison's naps, so each time he pops out of bed and comes over to open his door (yes, he can open EVERY door in the new house), I walk him back and put him into bed. The first day this took 45 minutes and was then followed by an hour and a half long nap (very good by HD's nap standards). The second day took an hour and a half that was followed by another hour and a half nap. This day was much worse, though, because he decided to empty the contents of his closets during the process. Because those entire contents were being tossed at me, I didn't do as good of a job keeping my cool (hello, hormones?!) as I did the first day, but I take the fact that he slept both days as a good sign. Today is Round Three and so far, I've only had to do about 15 minutes of walking him back. Now, he's not had a dirty diaper yet so sabotage poop, as I call it, could still cause us problems, but I'm prepared for that.

I know some people won't/don't fight these sleep battles and I know Harrison's at an age where he might start to grow out of a nap, but he is still giving me he classic sleep signs (twirling his hair is the biggest one) plus he just never stops the rest of the day so he pretty much has to have some down time, even if it is forced. I actually don't even care if he sleeps during the day, but he has to learn to stay in his room so we can both have some peace, quiet, and space.

But here's the other sign that something is going on with me and my emotions. Today, on our way home from MOPS, I swung through and picked up a coffee. This is my version of "putting my power on" and gearing up for the pop-up routine for nap. Both kids were content in the car, so we went to drive around and look for trains (a game we like to play in the car w/ HD) while I enjoyed (inhaled) my mocha. As we were driving up Highway 281, we came upon an accident at an intersection. We had heard the sirens about 10 minutes prior as we were loading up in the van, but to come across them again and see that there were police and an ambulance and firefighters actually trying to help someone out of the car hit me pretty hard.

Even though we are horrible about going to church, I am still a spiritual person. It is one of my habits to say a prayer whenever I hear a siren, even if I have no idea what kind of siren it is or where they might be headed. I always ask a quick "please be with them" and go about my day. So today, as we drove by the cars and service people, I started to ask Harrison to say a prayer for the people involved. We don't pray with him regularly, so I don't know why I thought he would even know what I was talking about, but I couldn't even the request out - I got entirely choked up and was really glad that no one could see just how emotional and raw I was in that moment.

During a week/month/season where I feel like I am struggling in my daily life as a mother, it really put me back a step to be in the van with my two beautiful children who are healthy and happy (most of the time, anyway) as we passed by someone who was really struggling. I actually have no idea what the details of the accident were or if anyone was even seriously hurt, but it was a stark reminder that I have so much to be grateful for and even if my day-to-day isn't sunshine and roses, I can put my power on and get through it. That doesn't mean that I have to pretend my life or myself or my children are perfect. It just means that I need to keep moving forward and ask a few more "please be with them"s for others as well as myself. A little help and honesty never hurt anyone, even when hormones are involved.