This Little Light of Mine

Today I witnessed the most amazing occurrence with Miss Raegan Leigh. Perhaps you remember from way back when, when I wrote about her being shy. Granted, I still don't use that word with her because I'm not willing to label her as such (feeling shy is one thing - being called shy all the time is another), but it is true that while she is the loudest little person I know at home, out and about she tends to be pretty quiet and fairly reserved. Some of you have witnessed both sides of this, I'm sure. She just has her moments where she opens up and others when she pulls back; as a full-fledged introvert, I can totally relate.

Take KoolAid Days last weekend, for instance. I was teaching yoga that morning, but Ben and his parents brought the kids down for the parade and then I met up with them after to go check out the games and festivities. Poor RL - she didn't care for any of it, not one bit. Apparently she was feeling reserved from the very get-go because even when Gpa & Gma got there, she was already pretty quiet, and that only intensified at KAD; as in, she wouldn't talk to anybody and didn't want to do anything (although we did convince her to try on a new bike helmet and she was down with getting a treat from the ice cream truck, naturally). My FIL and I bailed on the whole event early (neither of us were crazy about the crowds either) and brought the two littlest Littles home and only then did Raegge open up and start talking again. But, like I said, I get it. Totally get it. Crowds freak me out. Being surrounded by people I don't know and a whole lotta commotion? Not my favorite thing. I'm probably a lot more vocal in comfortable situations/surroundings, too, so I don't blame Baby Girl one bit for pulling back when she's out of her element.

All of this is to say, though, that my heart smiled big time today when we went to Family Yoga at avani. I was off from teaching it this week (but will be back - woot! woot! - for next weekend - the final week in this summer session) and was so excited to get to attend with my crew. Even though my back is far from me being back (ha - bad pun intended) on the mat, it was awesome to be there and be witness to the good vibes my kids get from being there, too. LT crawled around and over us the whole time like he owns the joint, HD gave me a kiss on the shoulder when Megan instructed us to think of something for which we are grateful, and RL? Well, she was the true delight to see today.

It speaks volumes to me, 'cuz I'm not totally biased or anything, of the good energy avani brings, but thanks to this Family Yoga adventure during the last month and a half, I can see the joy and comfort my children are getting from yoga, just as I do. From the moment we arrived to the second they left (Mama had to stay for a meeting - FUN stuff to come this fall!!), Raegan was all smiles. She greeted Megan when we walked in the door, participated in all the moves and games, and she even hopped up without a bit of hesitation when M asked her to be her partner to demo the partner poses for this week. Honestly? I was shocked. I didn't think she'd go for it, but Raegge totally ran up to the front mat, plopped down, and was all grins as they seesawed together. Coolest thing I've ever seen. It made me so happy to see the light and open heart of the girl I know so well shine in front of others, and in a public place, to boot. Ahhh, yoga. Wonders never cease.

(RL getting her yogs on, earlier this year, with Yoga Pretzels) 

BACK to Life

Three days ago, I thought I was within a week and a half of being Done with my entire 200 hr. yoga program. Done, done, DONE. I made plans and arranged babysitters and had it all worked out to hit classes at my studio and then in Omaha next weekend that would allow me to turn in all my stuff and apply for my official certificate. Then, two days ago, I completely effed up my back. As in, it has not been this bad in three years, except it is a whole new kind of problem/effedupness, and the way it all went down was so very, very dumb (not a word I use often, but there you have it) that I've felt fairly defeated about the whole thing.

Ben is back to meetings this week (and back to teaching next week, as am I!), so I am back in full-time Mama mode. Granted, he's been able to come home for lunch, so it's not like I'm here all day every day by myself, but still. After being away for the entire month of July, it's been an interesting adjustment for me this week. I got so used to being busy, busy, busy in Omaha that I sort of forgot what it is like to be busy, busy, busy at home all day w/ the Littles. It's a totally different thing. Life as a SAHM these last five years has definitely taught me that the old saying, "The days are long but the years are short" is beyond true. I can have mornings (as I did this week) where I look at the clock and think, "It's only 8:37(a.m.!)? I've been up for how long? And have how long to go until lunch and naptime?! And bedtime is how far away?!" At the same time, I can look at the calendar and think, Holy mother of fastness, Batman! It's the middle of August and I still have days when I think it is 2013. This duality of perception is just my reality during this season of life and coming back to that realization this week was a bit of a "Mmmkaaaaay" adjustment.

And apparently, when you are integrating after a month away from your norm, you sometimes lose you mind. As in, you can just flat out let it fly out the door, or in my case, over the fence, which is what happened Thursday morning. The children and I were outside playing with HD's new Stomp Rocket (omg, he loves that bday present so much, B family!) which is basically this little air powered thing you literally stomp on to send foam rockets shooting up in whichever direction you aim the base. My primary focus when we play with it is to make sure no child gets bopped, but of course I'm looking out for other obstacles such as trees and roofs, however, for the record, two of the four totally ended up on our sunporch roof, so clearly my aim is not so great. And since we were already down 50%, I felt bad when another went shooting over the neighbor's fence into her backyard and decided I could totally pull a Ben and lift a kid over the fence to retrieve it and then lift said child back into our yard.

Now you see the problem with this right? I did too, but my ego totally won out because I was all, Oh, I can do this. I was so careful with my back in Omaha and I survived that! I'm just as strong and tough as Ben. I'll just lift Raegan; it won't be a big deal. and then I did it, even though I am normally so, so careful and protective of my back (because I have to be). But guess what? I may be strong and tough like my hubs, but I am not 6'1" of nothing but wiry muscle, so lowering a child into a neighbor's yard (that is literally a good 8-12" lower than our yard, somehow) and then hoisting her back up? Not so bright.

Except I didn't realize anything was wrong until later, which is perhaps why I made Dumb Decision No.2 a little while later during our backyard extravaganza. We had moved from Stomp Rocket to Golf and magically, both HD and RL got their little plastic golf balls stuck in the garden which is completely surrounded by - you guessed it - another fence. This one is much shorter which must be why I decided it would be OK to lift both of them over it this time, but seriously?! WHAT was I thinking?! Harrison does nothing to help you lift him, so I basically had to deadlift his 46 lbs. over the fence (and back) and my beloved zinnias that line the whole garden and I am not a weights person, so my body was totally not prepared for that.

But again, I still didn't realize anything was wrong. It was until a little while later, after we'd had lunch, that I went into the back room to discover and clean up the mess the Bigs had made with a box of my nursing pads (thanks, children) that I lowered to my knees on the floor and immediately knew something was wrong with my back. Wrong, wrong. So wrong that I was nauseous from the pain and almost burst into tears while on the phone scheduling to go see my chiropractor in GI. So wrong that I had a hard time every time I transitioned from sitting to standing or vice versa. So wrong that I was instantly reverted back to the tense body and mind that plagued me when HD was a baby and I had so many back problems. Just so wrong.

Since Thursday's trip to the chiro, I've had kinesio tape on my back and have been doing lots of ice, too. I also went back to the chiro yesterday and will probably be back on Monday. It's been years since I've had to go in this frequently, but I keep telling myself that I've been here before, so I can get back to better again, too. I have no idea how long it will take or what it will mean postponing, but I have to have faith that it will be OK. Already it's much better after yesterday's second appointment; I'm not wincing or cringing every single time I sit or stand, so that's awesome. I'm still not moving fast or wanting to pick up Lincoln or able to go to yoga, but that stuff will come. Thank goodness it is the weekend so I can take it slow and have B around to do all the lifting. Will I make it to my yoga marathon next weekend as hoped? No idea, but I've got to make peace with whatever comes and clearly I need to be in less of such a hellfire hurry to get things done. That's hard to accept, but I'd much rather come to terms with it instead of just pushing through and doing permanent damage. Plus, if the universe is going to throw this big of a caution flag in my face, it's probably in my best interest to listen.

Babydude

Just shy of a year ago, I found myself at my 6-week appointment after Lincoln's birth which ultimately became a breaking point for me. I was heavier post-baby than ever before and I freaked out. And then I freaked out because I did not want to be freaking out about such a thing, so I decided to get help. I got a recommendation for a therapist, started going, and started doing the work that led to some intense revelations and some serious growth. So while I initially joked to myself, Oh, great. My third kid drove me to therapy!, I now look at it as, Thank goodness. My third kid saved my sanity and has totally changed me and my life for the better. And there's not a bit of exaggeration or hyperbole there. I really mean it. The little meltdown after Lincoln's birth was the final straw - the turning point that finally led me to get the help I had been seeking and needing for years but had put off time and time again. It got me to therapy which got me to yoga which got me back to me. Rather than scoff or roll my eyes at the situation, I look at Lincoln with such love and such gratitude. For seriously. I have miles to go, but this kid totally saved me.

Of course there's a lot more to 13 1/2 month-old Mr. Lincoln than just his role as Life Saver. He's also 1000% rough and tumble kid. I mean, the babydude cannot get enough of crawling on pavement. Perhaps this is partially my fault since I made his dad promise not to work on the whole walking thing while I was off to Omaha last month, but seriously? Crawling on pavement?! Whyyyyyyy? He does it constantly. No matter how many times I pick him up and put him back on a blanket or in the grass, off he goes in search of the sidewalk or driveway. His poor knees. They can't possibly feel good and they look terrible (super dirty and all rough and scratchy, too). But he never complains. In fact, he only squawks when I pick him up to move him away from it. Goofy boy.

The other part of the rough and tumble would be the literal tumbles he's been taking, lately, too. I don't know if you can see it so much in this photo, but currently LT is sporting at least two and possibly three bruises on his forehead, one one his cheek, and numerous ones on his legs (hello, concrete crawling!). He has also split his lip open the last two mornings in a row although on what/whom is anyone's guess. Just all of the sudden, there will be this little spot of red on his mouth and he'll be all mad and I'm all, Oh. This again. Of course there are also lots of incidents I do see, or at the very least, hear. Twice this morning Lincoln was within three-five feet of me when all of sudden, boom! I heard him thumping his way to the hardwood floor. Fortunately a few snuggles were all it took in on both occasions to fix things, but my poor boy. I think we need to find him a crash helmet and some elbow and knee pads immediately!

Even though Lincoln's turning up all Crash and Bash these days, he's also still such a little love. Ben recently started this routine of pulling him into his lap for hugs and now Linky will do it all on his own. Several times this morning I found him clinging and pulling up on me (which he does on everyone and everything these days, as he's starting to get the itch to get his walkin' legs a'going), but then the sweet surprise came each time that he then leaned in and wrapped his arms around my neck. I mean, really? My baby is giving me hugs? Does life get any better than that?

Clearly we are so blessed by LT. He's a whirlwind and a total sweetheart, all rolled into one package. I am so grateful to be his Mama as so much joy, adventure, and growth surround him. Carry on, Babydude. The world is your (concrete) oyster.

Forward Motion, Please.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know this year has been rough. I've been working through a mountain of shtuff. Or maybe you didn't know that everything I wrote about this spring just bubbled up this year. But it did. And here I am, eight months later, still working. Not so much on the residuals of the repressed trauma (although that's going to be a daily thing, at least in part, for who knows how long) but more on the me stuff. The sleep. The body image. The self acceptance. And today there's so much sadness swirling on the internet in regards to the passing of a brilliant man and it was my first day back in full-time mama mode and I had a bizarre experience at yoga, so perhaps it is all of these things or none of these things, but I'm at a hot mess point right now which means I'm here to write my way through it. As I do.

Here's the thing. There's a crap ton of stigma associated with mental illness. Crap ton. So much so that when I started taking an anti-depressive medication earlier this year because I couldn't take an anti-anxiety med which is what I wanted to try to attempt to get my sleep back on track but was (and still am) nursing, I told next to no one. I didn't want the "Oh"s or the questioning looks or, honestly, to have people think I was depressed. Now, I'm in the process of working myself off that medicine because it did nothing to aid my sleep and I was sick of attempting to increase it again and again to get the desired outcome. I have not been diagnosed with anything nor do I think I should be. I went through an extreme circumstance, tried something to help me get through it and now I'm ready to stand on my own again.

Except it's not just standing, it's life and it's moving forward. And moving forward is so freaking hard sometimes because doing so means dealing with the crap that has held me back or down in the past. Stuff that has been rattling around my brain since college and before. Stuff that I want to put a stop to so I can just be and be OK with that. Stuff I thought I was going to work through at the beginning of this year but then it got put to the back burner because, again, that's just life. But now body image and self acceptance are front and center, so tonight when I had an eff-it-I-just-want-to-leave moment during yoga, which has never happened before, because I couldn't stop comparing the size of my hips to the girl beside me who I could see in the mirror every.freaking.time we came upright, I was beyond frustrated. I want to be past all this. I really do. I want to look at my body and see my body, accept my body - not judge it or critique it or compare it. I want to see it and think it is what it is and it is beautiful. Nothing more, nothing less.

Moving forward is also hard because it has to be me doing this work. It's not for anyone else to say or decide or convey because I've spent far too long working to be a certain way for the sake/praise of others and I can't depend on the words of others any more. I can't look to other people to build me up because then I read too much into what is said or isn't said and I've finally learned that if I can't say it to myself, it's not going to matter if others say it to me 100x. Is it nice that my husband tells me I'm beautiful? Of course. But this is my struggle....my mental path to walk, to work, to reframe. Based on my experience tonight, it's going to take a heck of a lot longer than I might like to make that happen, but I'm dedicated to getting to a place where I am as gracious and loving to myself as I am to others. And maybe then I can take the kind words from others, and really hear them, really feel them, because I'll finally see it, too.

DO NOT Take His Word For It!

Look at this sweet face. This is a beautiful, honest face. He is a beautiful, honest boy. But to ward off surreptitious glances at my tummy or any waistline watching, let me be the first to say, DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD THIS CHILD SAYS if he tells you another baby is coming into our house sometime soon!

As you know, we love us some PBS Kids in this house. Love! But I am totally throwing the blame for this sudden upswing of conversation about babies and tummies and new babies coming on Daniel Tiger. Apparently new episodes are coming soon and DT is getting a sib of his very own, and my kids are totally enthralled by the whole thing....so much so that they came running to tell Ben about it the first time a "Coming Soon" trailer ran after Curious George last week and today we had this whole long conversation about what we thought it would be (boy or girl) and what they would name it (Luke, btw, if it is a boy, and we didn't get around to a girl's name, although that's my gender guess, for the record). Enthralled, I tell you!

At first I didn't think much of it. Actually, I thought it sounded like a great storyline because hellluuu, siblings bring on all kinds of new emotions and shtuff for the characters to deal with which is great for the kids watching (i.e. mine). But then we were at the library this morning and I heard something along the lines of "And then there's the baby in Mama's tummy, too!" come out of HD's mouth and made in reference to me, not Daniel Tiger's (or anyone else's for that matter) mom. Sorry, what?! No, sweet child. There's no new baby yet. I guess this is what we get, though, for talking so openly about wanting another babe...a five-yr-old who is not only on board but who is ready for it to be True now.

You've got to love that he loves being a big brother so much that he's ready to be one for the third time over, but, like I said, currently, it's not pending. If my son tells you otherwise, feel free to nod and smile, but don't put any stock in it. I promise, when we have news to share, we will do so!

Marathon Month

A month ago I left on my grand adventure to begin my 200 hr. yoga program in Omaha. Last Friday I returned home and then left again Sunday for an uber-productive day-and-a-half in Lincoln. Yesterday I returned (again) and taught my very first full-length, directed at adults (love you, Family Yoga, but you are a different dance!) at avani. Today was my first day back on the mat at the studio as a student. Needless to say, combined with the natural emotions of ending my time with my ytts, the tremendous whoa-ness of all these firsts this week has got me going.

The first first, teaching last night, was remarkable. It was painful to wait all the live-long day for it to begin (class didn't start until 7 p.m.), but not because I was scared nervous. I was can-we-please-do-this? because-I-was-born-to-do-this nervous which translates more to anticipation than trepidation. And I really was ready. I used the sequence and playlist I made during my training and practiced it in the car on the drive home from Lincoln yesterday morning. My theme was New Beginnings (fitting, eh?) and my primary moves were twists - literally wringing out the physical body to make space in the emotional and spiritual bodies for new energy, new light. And even though I effed up on my Surya B (which I didn't even realize I had done until I saw the Uh, what? faces looking at me when I cued the wrong ending position), we were all able to laugh and move on with the flow. I didn't freak out. I didn't burst into tears. I just kept going. Seriously, I will never get tired of the lessons of life that are played out again and again on the mat. The connection is just too great. We are who we are on the mat who we are off the mat. Learning to carry the breath and the movement will get us through anything in either place. I have no doubt in that.

And I didn't doubt myself last night, either. It felt so good, so right to be leading the class; it made my heart sing. Of course this is not to say that I didn't make other mistakes or that I am some amazing 100% perfect teacher. There's no such thing. I'm as human as anyone else and I've never claimed to be otherwise. But my joy and confidence last night? They tell me I am, hands down, on the right path; although I've been pretty clear on that from the beginning of this yoga journey, it was so satisfying to have confirmation of that last night. To get smiles and high fives from folks. To make them sweat and laugh. To share my passion with them. What an amazing gift and opportunity I've been given and how freaking awesome that avani is what it is (and who it is). Talk about a gift and a community for which I am most grateful. Their trust and support? I can't possibly articulate what it means to me to be given those things. I feel strong starting out as a teacher because they've all been such good teachers to me and I am honored to join their ranks. Truly.

At the same time, it was amazing to be back this afternoon as a student. I missed home quite a bit while I was in Omaha, so being able to roll in today and roll out my mat, ready to receive, was so great. Plus it was a great workout, too. I thought my extreme sweatiness as of late was just LHOY because I have never sweated so much in my life as I have in the last month, but perhaps teacher training just flat-out changed my body chemistry or something, because today was another dripper of a class. As in, ew, sweaty, sweaty mess. And while this probably won't come as a surprise to any of you, the whole thing left me crying by the end, too. Right as we came into supported bridge pose prior to taking savasana, the Lokah chant came on, reminded me of my training group and from there, I was done. Tears in the ears, once again, as I thought about everything the marathon of the last month has brought me: loads of knowledge...amazing new friends and connections...reconnections with old friends...a brand new but so comfortable it feels old path to walk...all of this and more came out of me today on the mat.

And I am off the mat who I am on the mat...full of gratitude, full of love, full of light. Namaste, my friends! It is so very good to be home.

What I've Been Given

Oof. This morning feels a wee bit emotional, a wee bit hard. It's my first Monday in four weeks away from my fellow yoga teacher trainers (my "ytts" which totally looks like and sounds like - in my head - a Sanskrit word - right?). It's also my fifth Monday away from my fam because even though I'm not in Omaha, I'm still yoga-ing away like crazy. I rolled out after supper last night for Lincoln (thanks H fam for the awesome hospitality!) so I could hit pretty much every class on the LHOY-L schedule for today and tomorrow morning. And before you think I've totally lost my mind, I'm not practicing at each one. For the most part, I'm assisting, which is still intense and hard (touching strangers? weird.), but still, it's a long day and a half and I'm still away from my two families that have gotten me through the last month, so I'm struggling a bit. As you can probably imagine, I'm borderline teary every other five minutes this morning. But I'm focusing on how awesome it is to have Ben around for another week before school starts so I can get here and get so much accomplished with the amazing ladies in Lincoln (and did you see my fb post about Starbucks? How can I be grumpy when I have access to Starbucks?!).

The other things getting me through right now are the various-and-numerous-but-really-countless gifts and lessons I have received in the last month. My head is stuffed full of yoga but I still can't wait to learn more. Even though I know we covered SO much, I also feel like I've barely scratched the surface of everything I want to know about the mind, body, and spirit as experienced through yoga and I am so thrilled, so honored, that I have the rest of my life to keep exploring, to keep expanding. Blessed is this life, for sure. And blessed am I for the tangible gifts that came my way at the end of my program last week that are my touchstones as I move through this transitional period of easing back into life at home (even though leaving B & the kids last night was hard, it's good because it gives me a little space back in the yoga bubble before I settle back into my norm at home. baby steps, I tell ya...they're a beautiful thing.)

Look at these gorgeous littles:

The first one to come my way was the "Find Inner Peace" magnet from my sweet friend S. We've exchanged creative gifts before, but this one is probably my fave. I don't know if she had me in mind specifically when she made it, but it was such a perfect gift to send my way. It also totally inspired me to make magnets for the rest of my ytts which was so much fun to do last week.

The second gift was the "Shanti" rock from one of my fellow "old ladies", T, during our second day of marathon practice teaching last week. I love this lady something fierce and again, peace is what we all seek, so I love having this reminder from her to keep a small piece of peace with me always. From that smallness, may calm and satisfaction and contentment radiate.

The third one was such a surprise. My awesome yoga buddy (no really - we were randomly assigned buddies on the first day of training and mine could not have been a more perfect fit for me, as we are totally walking many of the same paths and cut from many of the same cloths) made these chakra malas for everyone in our class. Isn't that/she fantastic?! Chakras are one of the many yoga-related topics that fascinates me, so this bracelet is, again, beyond perfect to keep in me line and keep me moving forward with my practice and my knowledge.

The fourth and final gift came during the closing ceremony of our program last Friday. We all got to pick (without looking) a teaching stone. I was first to go and I waited until everyone in the group had selected theirs before I glanced down at the one I was holding in my hot little hand. Truth? I was totally disappointed at first. I had visions of other colors in mind that would "fit" me as the "stone picks you" and when I first saw mine in the studio, it looked so brown and so plain. Well, metaphor/lesson alert, I then went out into the natural light of the lobby, and looked at it again and saw how much awesomeness is happening with it. It's not brown. It's actually more cream-ish into orange-ish (if any of you are rock gurus, you can totally tell me what the name of the actual stone is, OK?) which is great because the sacral chakra is the same color and my hips, like so many of our hips, carry a crap-ton of shtuff, and I need lots of help opening and releasing from there. I also love how smooth the stone is - a gentle reminder of how I want to approach this life and my role as a mama - with firmness and fluidity. And did you notice how it is totally shaped like a coffee bean? I mean, really - could we pick a better shape for my teaching stone? I think not (even though tea is way more yogic than coffee, but I'm OK w/ that. Maybe I'll be a tea drinker some day/lifetime, eh?).

I wanted to share my sweet littles with you because they are now a part of me. I'll carry them in my heart as I move forward with my practice and my teaching because they are such amazing touchstones of this training journey. I also share them with you to encourage you to find small things that remind you of what makes your heart sing, so you can return to them when necessary. We all need reminders. We all need to be brought back down and back to heart center. And as I continue my re-entry, I'm so thankful to have been given such beauty and light and love.