Pocket Pillows

Somewhere, somehow, at the very end of the school year or the very start of summer, I stumbled upon the coolest idea for wiggly preschoolers. Perhaps someone suggested it to me, because I can't find the exact item on any of my Pinterest boards, per say, and it's just a bit too clever and crafty for me to think that I invented it all on my own, but here you have it - The Pocket Pillow (I did pick the name. I think.):

Not that's ever been a serious concern, but we have been told that from time to time, Harrison struggles to keep his hands to himself at school or that he doesn't always sit still during Circle Time. Now, if you've met my husband, the man who never stops shaking his foot/leg, or me, the woman who struggles to stay in one place for more than five minutes at a time (unless writing or reading), you might not find this surprising. Just sayin'. And trust me, as The One who gets touched nine times out of ten by HD, all the live long day, I know he likes to be close. He's always been that way. We discussed ideas in the past with his teacher for ways to curb this at school, but nothing ever stuck. Then, somewhere, somehow, I came up with a lap pillow that might help. But this is no regular pillow; it is a weighted lap pillow with pockets for roaming hands and ribbons for fidgeting fingers. Viola! The Pocket Pillow! 

After clearing it with HD's teacher, I volunteered to make some for his classroom and the YMCA preschool in general. I started with five and I'm hoping that any of the teachers can use them for any of their students - not just HD's class. I haven't done any sewing since college, so I really can't say if any of this will hold up to the test of rough and tumble (and wiggly!) preschoolers, but I gave it a whirl and I'm sharing my process with you here. 

First off, you might remember this picture from an earlier post this week:

My very first sewing machine all my own! I found it on Amazon for a good deal and even though it is computerized and capable of all things fancy, I'm just thrilled I didn't break it at any stage of this simple project. A friend had to help me with the bobbins and getting it threaded the first time, but I survived rethreading the bobbin and the machine on my own today (without swearing too much), so yay for that! 

Speaking of cussing (there's a transition for you!), I will admit that while these pillows were made with love, they were also anointed with a wee bit of swearing (just typed sweating, which is probably accurate, too) - Sorry, Miss A! The embellishing stage of this was really the hardest part because it took the longest and my poor fingers took a beating from it. Pushing a needle and thread through denim (which I picked up at Goodwill) to get all those ribbons and buttons attached took its toll on my hands and my potty mouth. Whoops. But look at how beautiful the ribbons are! And as long as the kids don't carry the pillows around by them, they might actually stay in place. 

After the decorating came the stuffing. I don't know enough about OT to know just how heavy I should have made these, but each one does have a bean bag on the inside to add just a little bit of gentle and hopefully calming pressure to the lap upon which it sits. Now this step was a brainchild all my own and I'm calling it a brilliant one at that! I was at the store last night to get fastening supplies (I went with velcro even though I know it might be noisy if someone starts messing with it but goodness graciousness - I did not want to mess with zippers or buttons at this point!) and was wandering through the school supplies (I was without kids, so yes, I wandered through Walmart. NBD.) and saw these little pencil case bags in the clearance aisle. They were not an amazing clearance item, but since the only other suggestion that had been given to me was cutting up and ironing shut painter's tarp to keep the beans both dry and protected, I thought this was genius! So easy! So perfectly sized! So no-sewing-necessary! I didn't weigh them, but I think each holds approx. two pounds of dried pintos. 

Plus, somehow, they ended up matching the color of the beans, so they're almost aesthetically pleasing, too, even though hopefully no one ever sees them (except for cleaning, which is totally why we wanted them to be openable anyway, hence the velcro-not-buttons-or-zippers).

And here's the whole batch...some school themed, some Husker themed, and some just for fun, but hopefully all built to last (at least 'til Christmas) and to help calm some squirmy preKers.

As for what was left of this pile after the fact? Well that's going to be pretty cool, too. Next weekend I'm participating in a Sole Hope Cutting Party with friends at a local church where we will take old jeans, cut them into shoe-shaped patterns and then send them off to be made into shoes for kids in Uganda who are getting sick because their feet are exposed to jiggers and germs. Please come join us if you can or consider hosting your own. Hooray for the helping! 

Operation: Give Love Away

Because I am who I am, I tend to be drawn into those chain-letter type posts on Facebook where if you share a status and agree to make things for other people, someone will make something for you. Maybe I like these things because I like to test my creativity or I like to see what others will create. I have no idea. But I have done at least three or four of these, and the one for 2014 that I'm working my way through has been a lot of fun. Instead of mandating a "homemade/handmade" gift like rounds past, this particular chain requested showing others some love - with no real rules to follow other than it be something that made the other person feel seen/loved and perhaps a little surprised. Sooooo up my alley. And since "Give Love Away" by MC Yogi is one of my all-time favorite songs (kiddlets love it lots, too) discovered in yoga class, I dubbed this year's project Operation: Give Love Away.

So far, four of my five people who agreed to post and do the same thing (and are thereby the recipients of my gifts) have received something from me. Three of the four have gotten scarves (for nursing or not) from one my beloved Etsy shops, Oliver & Lucy Designs, which is owned by the wife of a friend from college. I adore her stuff. I have a ton of her bibs and have been giving her stuff as gifts (very well received, I might add) for years. It's a good thing I don't live in Lincoln and have more direct access to her goods, or I'd own all of it. But since two of my people were expecting at the time, I thought nursing scarves would be a great way to show a couple mamas some beauty and love.

My own mom was another of my participants and while I totally could have given her a scarf too because she loves infinity scarves, I instead gave her a pair of my shoes. Now, before you think I'm a complete oddball, let me explain. My mom will compliment me sometimes on my shoes or my scarves and then she'll ask, "Can I have it/them?" It's actually a standing joke because there is a particular pair of sandals that she's been after for years and I have never come close to budging on giving them away. I have, however, surprised her in the past by taking a scarf right off my shoulders and giving it to her, which is what I ended up doing with this project and a particularly cute pair of super-fun Keens ordered from zulily but then never really worn. I asked her if she'd still like them, and she said yes, so boom! Not the sandals she's always wanted, but still some fun shoe love shared!

My fifth person, who possibly thinks I've forgotten her, will be getting some homemade - home baked, actually - goodness here in the next month or two. I've actually had her gift in mind since the start of summer, but time has gotten away from me a bit. Thank goodness I actually have until the end of December to get to all this!

The real lesson in this project, however, came just this week after I sent off the third infinity scarf gift plus some magnets that I made (which I learned how to do via the very first year of trying one of these Facebook chains and have recently become interested in doing again). Here's what the present looked like:

Since you can't really see the magnets close enough to catch detail, I'll explain that two of them - a coffee mug and an image of two women running together - were what I described in my note as what I thought this friend and I would do together if we actually lived in the same town now, which we have not since high school. I included these images and this message because she is someone I admire a great deal, even though our primary contact in almost fifteen years has been only online. But if I could, I totally would hang out with her today.

You see, there are a handful of friends I have on Facebook who I (obviously) knew at an earlier time in my life that I look at now and think, Damn. I wish I hadn't let being a teenager get in the way of that friendship. These women are amazing. Strong, smart, kind, awesome. I am truly honored to be a friend of each, even if it really only exists as an online acquaintance of sorts; this is why I was so excited to "give love away" to this particular friend because she is one of these women. What I didn't anticipate was her response.

On Facebook, she tagged me in a post in which she she wrote that she'd received an amazing gift from an old friend she never thought she'd keep "after some of the worst actions a friend can take." She then said that "Life is such a beautiful journey, forgiveness and love are some of its tokens of appreciation." 
I read that and my breath came up short in my chest. At first, I was floored because I wasn't even sure whose actions she was talking about - her own or mine - and while I wanted so desperately to message her and say, "OMG...what did I do? I'm sorry!" I realized it didn't matter. The parts about the keeping and the forgiveness/love - those are the points that matter. Whether it is because she's forgiven me or I've forgiven her or because enough time has passed that we've collectively let all the things go, the point is that we're here. We're grown ups, and what remains is the love...the joy of knowing each other...the celebrating of who we are today as women and mamas. 

Silly me. I didn't expect this little Facebook game to bring so much profound light back to me, but of course it did, because when you take time to send love into the world, it's without a doubt coming back to you, too. What an amazing gift. 

New Beginnings

While in Omaha last month, one of my assignments from "yoga school" was to write out a complete hour-long class (plus playlist). If I had any doubt that yoga teaching was for me (which, you probably know, I did not), completing this task showed me just how much I'm going to love this next step in my yoga journey. I mean, there's enough good music to last me at least 1,000 classes and since I'm probably going to theme my classes around music as much as I am certain body parts or asanas, I'm all set to be enjoying this gig for quite some time. (To my own yoga teachers - is it wrong to sequence a class based on the songs you want to play during said class? Maybe I don't want an answer to that...). Beyond the tunes, I also had a blast running through some of my favorite poses (hellooooo, twists in seated, supine, and standing form!) and coming up with a sequence that was both satisfying and challenging. I titled that very first class "New Beginnings" because it was my hope/intention to use it when my students are faced with change (in seasons or in life), or when I am. Plus it was my very. first. full. sequence. which is a pretty big deal/new beginning all its own.

It's a good thing I did this assignment (beyond the fact that I like to be a good student which, obviously, means turning in homework!) because right after I returned home, I was asked to teach three classes that very week at avani! You may remember reading about how that first one went here. Although it was slightly terrifying to dive right into teaching the second I got home, it was also totally awesome because now that I'm less than a week out from starting up my life as a full-time yoga instructor (or as full-time as I can be while also staying home with my Littles full-time and teaching night class at the community college!), I'm not really freaking out.

OK, I'm kind of freaking out. But only because I am so darn excited to start next week. I've made lists and playlists and a four-month outline so I can keep track of what I teach so I'm constantly targeting different areas of the body or energy lines, etc. which is soooooo Type A of me, but are you surprised? In case you were wondering, I may have crossed a few more Hippy Dippy lines this summer but I'm still pretty solid with my Type A-ness and you know what? That's OK! The combination makes me who and what I am, and hopefully it will show my yoga students that you can be part-Zen and part-Monica (please, someone tell me you got that reference?! AT, I know you will!) and it is still all good.

So, for the yogis and yoginis and yoga-curious in the Hastings area, here's a rundown of when/where/what
I'll be teaching (starting after the Labor Day holiday break! whoohoo!!). I can't wait to see you at a class (even - especially! - if it is your very first one!) sometime soon. Yoga has given me calm and strength I haven't had in years and while I'm still very much a work in progress, I can't wait to share my excitement and all that I have learned with you. Yes, you! Remember...you don't have to be flexible to do yoga; you simply need to be willing. Namaste, my friends!

Regular Classes:
9 a.m. on Sundays (at avani) - Flow - What a fun and great way to start your week off right! Feel free to come, even if you plan to attend a church service later in the day - this class will get you in touch with your mind, body, and spirit for sure.

7 p.m. on Wednesdays (at 16th Street Hastings Family YMCA) - Basic Flow - All the benefits of breath work and stretching without the (sometimes) faster pace of a standard flow. This class is great for both beginners and experienced practitioners!

7 p.m. on Thursdays (at avani) - Yin - Such a good class if you need to work on quieting the mind. We use lots of props in this class and hold poses for quite some time as we work different meridians and energy lines. Plus, it's just downright yummy.

Part-time Classes:
4:45 p.m. on Tuesdays (at avani) - Flow - I'm sharing this class with another instructor, so we'll take turns teaching and helping you get your flow on!

3:30 p.m. on the 2nd and 4th Sunday of the month (at avani) - Family Yoga - Come one! Come all! We will continue offering Family Yoga as a free-will donation to various charities and organizations around town/NE, so feel free to come with any or all of your family and join the flow/fun. This is another shared class, so you'll get me once a month for this one. :)

1,000s of Words

Since the stories behind these images (taken the last few days) are lengthy, I'll let them do most of the talking while I do a wee bit of the explaining...

HD climbed up to help me make my playlist for Family Yoga on 

Sunday; it's safe to say he missed me last week! 

OMG! I finally got a sewing machine. I haven't sewed much since my quilting days in college, and I have a big project that I'd like to complete for HD's preK (more to come on that in a later post), so I am super stoked about this arrival. Except now I need, like, bobbins and thread and stuff, not to mention the brain cells required to operate the darn thing! 

OMG again, but for all the wrong reasons. Do you see those two purple spots on RL's cheek? Yea, those are LT TEETH marks. I wasn't in the room with them when this happened, so I can only guess what she might have done to provoke this, but Baby Dude is totally a biter which is totally not cool. 

For Pete's Sake. There is no longer a single surface 

that is either safe or mine left in this house. 

The little buggers are still super cute, though. This is them with their 

"space gear" and friends, ready to get on their rocket ship 

(a.k.a the love seat) which has been entertaining them, 

blessedly, for a good half hour or so. 

One result of the desk top takeover....creative calendar dates. 

Actually, though, it sort of does feel like the 56th of August, 

so maybe this is just flat out brilliant instead of bothersome. 

Captain Cranky (yoga) Pants?!

In case you were wondering if coming home from a marathon weekend yoga extravaganza makes a person all Zen and awesomesauce, let me tell you, there are no guarantees. At least not with this yogini!

My Thursday night - Sunday morning trip (thank you babysitters (Grandparents!) and Ben for helping me with the logistics of this!) to take a handful of classes and a workshop at LHOY went really well. Amazingly well if you consider where I was with my back just a week ago this time. Last Sunday I wasn't even sure I'd be able to do any of this weekend, but this weekend I rocked it. For realz (yes, I just went there). Thursday night was take one/assist one and both were super fab. The take-class was my first back in over a week and it was slow and gentle and just what my recovering back and worried nerves needed to feel secure again in my asana. And the assist-class was awesome because, helloooooo, it was my last one! Nothing like a Type Aer's love for checking items off a To Do list to make a girl feel good, you know?!

Friday and Saturday were where the real yoga marathon came into play. Friday morning I took three classes (one of which was Restorative, so if you know what that means, you also know how great that felt) during the morning/mid-day and then headed back to my friend's house where I was staying to start planning for the yoga classes I'll be teaching locally starting in September (more to come on that soon, in a different post). I'm not used to having quiet time during daylight hours and so it was fantastic to get that afternoon to myself and then some social time with my girls that night. Yay, sushi!

And while Saturday didn't officially start for me until 10 a.m. (Skype'd with the kids prior to that which was beyond hilarious, mostly because they kept wanting to talk to my host/friend instead of me), once I hit the mat, I did not stop. In the time span of four hours, I took three hour-long classes (at two different locations!), two of which were full-on flows with the middle being a Basic. And alllllll three were hip openers! Based on how sore and achy my hips are today, I can now officially tell you that it might just be possible to open your hips so much in one day that they get completely pissed at you, so maybe I wouldn't recommend that same approach for anyone else. Truth, though? I loved yesterday. I was wobbly jello by the time the third class ended, but wow, was it a fun day. Not that I often forget, but I had a "Yesssss. This is why I practice yoga!" moment during those classes that made me feel so on fire (in a good way!) and so strong. It was awesomesauce. And, to increase the awesomeness, I then got to participate in a three-hour workshop on assisting and a handful of my YTTs were there too AND we got to be social afterwards, which was so very fun (Yay, sushi! Again!) and so very needed. I've missed them these last three weeks after spending the whole month of July together, so it was beyond good for my soul to see them again. Plus, did you see the shirts T & I got prior to this workshop? Because sweating with our omies is exactly what we did all July long!

After all the fun and hilarity of the last few days, I suppose it was natural to have a less than smooth landing when I got home today. Speaking of landing, did I mention that I felt like I just got home from my intensive last Monday? As in, it took me from August 2-August 18 to finally feel like my head came back down to Earth and I was prepared to be at home with my Littles and getting ready to teach my various classes (writing and otherwise). Yikes! But more Yikes! today when I got home at 8:30 this morning (because I woke up at 5:30 and sure, doesn't that sound like a humane hour in which to rise and hit the road for home?) and was totally unprepared, again, to be here. To be instantly bombarded with Mom! Mom! Mom! Paint my face! What's for lunch? Paint my face! Where's my snack? I'm thirsty! Paint my face! Mom! Mom! Mom! (for the record, I did paint them like Angry Birds this morning, if for no other reason than to quiet them for five seconds) and faced with laundry and unpacking and just all the stuff that comes with returning home. Sooooo not prepared.

To add to my lack of patience this morning was the fact that I was scheduled to teach Family Yoga again this afternoon. That's all well and good and I've had my class planned out for days, but I was seriously Captain Cranky Pants all day long and even though I did my very best to sit and shake that off prior to teaching, I didn't get rid of it all the way. So when it was my kid(s) whining and complaining and being uber distracting during Family Yoga, I about lost my sh!t. I didn't totally cross that line, but I was close. In past weeks/classes, I've been very careful to avoid trying to parent/teach at the same time, but today I couldn't see/hear past them, so I stepped into (somewhat tired and sore and cranky) Mama Mode in the middle of class. Thankfully it was a smaller group today and the other participants were mama-friends who were there with their kiddos, so while I felt bad for getting flustered during class, I also knew they would understand and overlook the whole thing. And, true to their characters, both were super gracious when we talked about it later and we came to the agreement that that is just life.

And it's so true. In fact, our conversation made me see that moments such as class today are exactly why I will keep practicing yoga all my days...I need my practice to keep me going in the other moments, away from the mat and sometimes even on it, that are less than pleasant. Plus, the whole experience shows me how much growth I've had. A year-ish ago? I would have flipped sh!t, thrown my hands up in the air, and most likely stormed off (OK, probably not if I was teaching because even when pissy, I'm more professional than that), but still - that was my previous reaction to anger/frustration. Today, I was able to address it, adjust my headband to cover the outbreak of sweat at my hairline, and breathe my way through it. It still wasn't pretty, but isn't that the real lesson my children can take away from today's Family Yoga class? That you just keep going, even when life is sticky and uncomfortable, because eventually you're going to find even ground again and probably much sooner if you use your coping skills instead of blowing up completely. Mr. Rodgers said it all with his line, "What do you do/with the mad that you feel?" (which, btw, is totally a Daniel Tiger song lyric now), which is what today (and all other CPP moments) returns me to - choosing what I do with my feelings because,  holy wow, they're all coming anyway...might as well work toward the higher good with each of 'em!

Be Here Now: Thoughts on Mindfulness

A week ago this time, I was in tears and literally sick to my stomach - I was in that much pain. My head and heart were also hurting big time because I didn't know just how much damage I had done to my back by lifting the Littles (hmmmm...perhaps if I quit referring to them as Littles, I could remember just how big/heavy they really are?!) over fences. I was afraid I'd be out for weeks or sent back to four years ago when my back was constantly slipping out of place and causing me serious pain and torment. I was also quite tired, quite cranky, and quite concerned for the well-being of my family, wondering if Pain-filled Mama had made a lasting return.

Thanks to multiple visits (no, really - four trips in one week. OOF.) to see  my amazing (for seriously - go here. he's the best) chiropractor, and taking it slow and steady over the weekend, I am feeling so much better. So much so that I even got clearance to go back to yoga which means my marathon weekend in Omaha gets to happen, although it will be a much smaller marathon (and not one at all if I start to feel pain. no way am I compromising my progress/healing just to get a couple more classes in!). And in case you missed the fb post, check out these fantastic pants that arrived today, as if the Universe is also celebrating my return to the mat (although these are totally transparent, so not quite sure how I'm going to actually wear them to yoga)!

Celebrating aside, I wanted to write today about mindfulness because there is no way I intend to move forward (into this weekend or beyond) and instantly forget what this last week has been like. Am I so grateful and relieved it was only a week? Of-flippin'- course. I've missed yoga. But more so, I've missed being able to sit and play comfortably with my kids, and am beyond thrilled that getting up and getting down are no longer making me cringe in pain. But just because those awful sensations are gone doesn't mean I'm done with this. If anything, the whole incident has brought everything from almost five years ago, when I had the initial injury, back to the forefront of my mind, and so even once I'm back in the flow of things (I will never get over bad puns, but maybe someday I will just own my love for them and quit apologizing....'til then, sorry!), I want to stay focused. Stay present. Stay open. 

Being mindful has been rolling around my brain this last week because it had to be. I've had to be so aware of how and when and why I was moving my body because that's part of what helped me heal so quickly. Not pushing, not straining, not letting my ego take over? None of that is easy for me. But by keeping at it, I keep realizing just how easy it is for us to move through our lives on autopilot. Think about it - how often do you just go through the motions of your daily routines? How often do you sit or drive or hold your phone or cross your legs or do just about anything in the exact same way you've done it 1,000x prior? We are creatures of habit. Most of us like routine, at least in some fashion. And the more you continue to move or exist in the exact same way, the deeper you make your connection to those ways (patterns of thought come into play here, too, but I'll save that for another post), which leads to getting stuck which can lead to creating weakness and injury. 

This is not to say that all routines or habits are bad. Great versions of both are totally present in our world. What I'm talking about, however, is being aware of what you are doing. At all times. Not pulling in your driveway and thinking, Wait. How did I get here? Not sitting with your head cocked to the left every time you watch a TV show (I totally used to do this) or crossing your legs whenever you are at the table or a desk (used to do this, too). Not getting out of your car with the same foot first every time. Not curling up the same arm under your head every night as you sleep. Not drinking from the same straw cup every day. Not twisting your wrist to support the baby's head every time you nurse (OK, I realize this one won't pertain to a lot of you, but meeting the needs of babies totally creates habits that aren't always best for the mamas. Just sayin'). 

Perhaps you read that list and laughed at me a little bit, thinking I'm being too detailed or too hyper-vigilant. It's fine if you find this somewhat humorous, but I'm really not kidding. I want to challenge you to think of the small things - the small actions you take most if not all days and consider whether or not you can change some of those patterns. It won't be easy. You will seriously have to look for ways to change and then seriously have to work and think to make the changes, but try it. See what you find. See what you can change. See how you feel after the fact. 

I'm a thinker by nature, so it's not like I've ever been far from mindfulness (or at least not far from being in my mind), but ever since my month in Omaha for yoga training and then even more so since the recent back problems, I've been amazed by what being present has shown me. It's made me aware of physical patterns that I need to stop to help my wrists. It's made me aware of internet patterns that I need to stop to calm/quiet my mind at night. It's made me aware of mental patterns that I need to stop in order to (finally) learn the art of self acceptance and love. And it's even made me aware of the simple act of stepping out the van with my right foot first instead of my left, just to give my body a little more balance by shaking up a normal routine. What you pick to notice and possibly change or balance out, can be that small and that simple. I'm not asking you to move mountains. But guess what? You'll never move a mountain if you keep on doing things the same ol' way you've always done them, anyway, so you might as well experiment a little and see what happens. I can't wait to hear what you discover. 

This Little Light of Mine

Today I witnessed the most amazing occurrence with Miss Raegan Leigh. Perhaps you remember from way back when, when I wrote about her being shy. Granted, I still don't use that word with her because I'm not willing to label her as such (feeling shy is one thing - being called shy all the time is another), but it is true that while she is the loudest little person I know at home, out and about she tends to be pretty quiet and fairly reserved. Some of you have witnessed both sides of this, I'm sure. She just has her moments where she opens up and others when she pulls back; as a full-fledged introvert, I can totally relate.

Take KoolAid Days last weekend, for instance. I was teaching yoga that morning, but Ben and his parents brought the kids down for the parade and then I met up with them after to go check out the games and festivities. Poor RL - she didn't care for any of it, not one bit. Apparently she was feeling reserved from the very get-go because even when Gpa & Gma got there, she was already pretty quiet, and that only intensified at KAD; as in, she wouldn't talk to anybody and didn't want to do anything (although we did convince her to try on a new bike helmet and she was down with getting a treat from the ice cream truck, naturally). My FIL and I bailed on the whole event early (neither of us were crazy about the crowds either) and brought the two littlest Littles home and only then did Raegge open up and start talking again. But, like I said, I get it. Totally get it. Crowds freak me out. Being surrounded by people I don't know and a whole lotta commotion? Not my favorite thing. I'm probably a lot more vocal in comfortable situations/surroundings, too, so I don't blame Baby Girl one bit for pulling back when she's out of her element.

All of this is to say, though, that my heart smiled big time today when we went to Family Yoga at avani. I was off from teaching it this week (but will be back - woot! woot! - for next weekend - the final week in this summer session) and was so excited to get to attend with my crew. Even though my back is far from me being back (ha - bad pun intended) on the mat, it was awesome to be there and be witness to the good vibes my kids get from being there, too. LT crawled around and over us the whole time like he owns the joint, HD gave me a kiss on the shoulder when Megan instructed us to think of something for which we are grateful, and RL? Well, she was the true delight to see today.

It speaks volumes to me, 'cuz I'm not totally biased or anything, of the good energy avani brings, but thanks to this Family Yoga adventure during the last month and a half, I can see the joy and comfort my children are getting from yoga, just as I do. From the moment we arrived to the second they left (Mama had to stay for a meeting - FUN stuff to come this fall!!), Raegan was all smiles. She greeted Megan when we walked in the door, participated in all the moves and games, and she even hopped up without a bit of hesitation when M asked her to be her partner to demo the partner poses for this week. Honestly? I was shocked. I didn't think she'd go for it, but Raegge totally ran up to the front mat, plopped down, and was all grins as they seesawed together. Coolest thing I've ever seen. It made me so happy to see the light and open heart of the girl I know so well shine in front of others, and in a public place, to boot. Ahhh, yoga. Wonders never cease.

(RL getting her yogs on, earlier this year, with Yoga Pretzels) 

BACK to Life

Three days ago, I thought I was within a week and a half of being Done with my entire 200 hr. yoga program. Done, done, DONE. I made plans and arranged babysitters and had it all worked out to hit classes at my studio and then in Omaha next weekend that would allow me to turn in all my stuff and apply for my official certificate. Then, two days ago, I completely effed up my back. As in, it has not been this bad in three years, except it is a whole new kind of problem/effedupness, and the way it all went down was so very, very dumb (not a word I use often, but there you have it) that I've felt fairly defeated about the whole thing.

Ben is back to meetings this week (and back to teaching next week, as am I!), so I am back in full-time Mama mode. Granted, he's been able to come home for lunch, so it's not like I'm here all day every day by myself, but still. After being away for the entire month of July, it's been an interesting adjustment for me this week. I got so used to being busy, busy, busy in Omaha that I sort of forgot what it is like to be busy, busy, busy at home all day w/ the Littles. It's a totally different thing. Life as a SAHM these last five years has definitely taught me that the old saying, "The days are long but the years are short" is beyond true. I can have mornings (as I did this week) where I look at the clock and think, "It's only 8:37(a.m.!)? I've been up for how long? And have how long to go until lunch and naptime?! And bedtime is how far away?!" At the same time, I can look at the calendar and think, Holy mother of fastness, Batman! It's the middle of August and I still have days when I think it is 2013. This duality of perception is just my reality during this season of life and coming back to that realization this week was a bit of a "Mmmkaaaaay" adjustment.

And apparently, when you are integrating after a month away from your norm, you sometimes lose you mind. As in, you can just flat out let it fly out the door, or in my case, over the fence, which is what happened Thursday morning. The children and I were outside playing with HD's new Stomp Rocket (omg, he loves that bday present so much, B family!) which is basically this little air powered thing you literally stomp on to send foam rockets shooting up in whichever direction you aim the base. My primary focus when we play with it is to make sure no child gets bopped, but of course I'm looking out for other obstacles such as trees and roofs, however, for the record, two of the four totally ended up on our sunporch roof, so clearly my aim is not so great. And since we were already down 50%, I felt bad when another went shooting over the neighbor's fence into her backyard and decided I could totally pull a Ben and lift a kid over the fence to retrieve it and then lift said child back into our yard.

Now you see the problem with this right? I did too, but my ego totally won out because I was all, Oh, I can do this. I was so careful with my back in Omaha and I survived that! I'm just as strong and tough as Ben. I'll just lift Raegan; it won't be a big deal. and then I did it, even though I am normally so, so careful and protective of my back (because I have to be). But guess what? I may be strong and tough like my hubs, but I am not 6'1" of nothing but wiry muscle, so lowering a child into a neighbor's yard (that is literally a good 8-12" lower than our yard, somehow) and then hoisting her back up? Not so bright.

Except I didn't realize anything was wrong until later, which is perhaps why I made Dumb Decision No.2 a little while later during our backyard extravaganza. We had moved from Stomp Rocket to Golf and magically, both HD and RL got their little plastic golf balls stuck in the garden which is completely surrounded by - you guessed it - another fence. This one is much shorter which must be why I decided it would be OK to lift both of them over it this time, but seriously?! WHAT was I thinking?! Harrison does nothing to help you lift him, so I basically had to deadlift his 46 lbs. over the fence (and back) and my beloved zinnias that line the whole garden and I am not a weights person, so my body was totally not prepared for that.

But again, I still didn't realize anything was wrong. It was until a little while later, after we'd had lunch, that I went into the back room to discover and clean up the mess the Bigs had made with a box of my nursing pads (thanks, children) that I lowered to my knees on the floor and immediately knew something was wrong with my back. Wrong, wrong. So wrong that I was nauseous from the pain and almost burst into tears while on the phone scheduling to go see my chiropractor in GI. So wrong that I had a hard time every time I transitioned from sitting to standing or vice versa. So wrong that I was instantly reverted back to the tense body and mind that plagued me when HD was a baby and I had so many back problems. Just so wrong.

Since Thursday's trip to the chiro, I've had kinesio tape on my back and have been doing lots of ice, too. I also went back to the chiro yesterday and will probably be back on Monday. It's been years since I've had to go in this frequently, but I keep telling myself that I've been here before, so I can get back to better again, too. I have no idea how long it will take or what it will mean postponing, but I have to have faith that it will be OK. Already it's much better after yesterday's second appointment; I'm not wincing or cringing every single time I sit or stand, so that's awesome. I'm still not moving fast or wanting to pick up Lincoln or able to go to yoga, but that stuff will come. Thank goodness it is the weekend so I can take it slow and have B around to do all the lifting. Will I make it to my yoga marathon next weekend as hoped? No idea, but I've got to make peace with whatever comes and clearly I need to be in less of such a hellfire hurry to get things done. That's hard to accept, but I'd much rather come to terms with it instead of just pushing through and doing permanent damage. Plus, if the universe is going to throw this big of a caution flag in my face, it's probably in my best interest to listen.

Babydude

Just shy of a year ago, I found myself at my 6-week appointment after Lincoln's birth which ultimately became a breaking point for me. I was heavier post-baby than ever before and I freaked out. And then I freaked out because I did not want to be freaking out about such a thing, so I decided to get help. I got a recommendation for a therapist, started going, and started doing the work that led to some intense revelations and some serious growth. So while I initially joked to myself, Oh, great. My third kid drove me to therapy!, I now look at it as, Thank goodness. My third kid saved my sanity and has totally changed me and my life for the better. And there's not a bit of exaggeration or hyperbole there. I really mean it. The little meltdown after Lincoln's birth was the final straw - the turning point that finally led me to get the help I had been seeking and needing for years but had put off time and time again. It got me to therapy which got me to yoga which got me back to me. Rather than scoff or roll my eyes at the situation, I look at Lincoln with such love and such gratitude. For seriously. I have miles to go, but this kid totally saved me.

Of course there's a lot more to 13 1/2 month-old Mr. Lincoln than just his role as Life Saver. He's also 1000% rough and tumble kid. I mean, the babydude cannot get enough of crawling on pavement. Perhaps this is partially my fault since I made his dad promise not to work on the whole walking thing while I was off to Omaha last month, but seriously? Crawling on pavement?! Whyyyyyyy? He does it constantly. No matter how many times I pick him up and put him back on a blanket or in the grass, off he goes in search of the sidewalk or driveway. His poor knees. They can't possibly feel good and they look terrible (super dirty and all rough and scratchy, too). But he never complains. In fact, he only squawks when I pick him up to move him away from it. Goofy boy.

The other part of the rough and tumble would be the literal tumbles he's been taking, lately, too. I don't know if you can see it so much in this photo, but currently LT is sporting at least two and possibly three bruises on his forehead, one one his cheek, and numerous ones on his legs (hello, concrete crawling!). He has also split his lip open the last two mornings in a row although on what/whom is anyone's guess. Just all of the sudden, there will be this little spot of red on his mouth and he'll be all mad and I'm all, Oh. This again. Of course there are also lots of incidents I do see, or at the very least, hear. Twice this morning Lincoln was within three-five feet of me when all of sudden, boom! I heard him thumping his way to the hardwood floor. Fortunately a few snuggles were all it took in on both occasions to fix things, but my poor boy. I think we need to find him a crash helmet and some elbow and knee pads immediately!

Even though Lincoln's turning up all Crash and Bash these days, he's also still such a little love. Ben recently started this routine of pulling him into his lap for hugs and now Linky will do it all on his own. Several times this morning I found him clinging and pulling up on me (which he does on everyone and everything these days, as he's starting to get the itch to get his walkin' legs a'going), but then the sweet surprise came each time that he then leaned in and wrapped his arms around my neck. I mean, really? My baby is giving me hugs? Does life get any better than that?

Clearly we are so blessed by LT. He's a whirlwind and a total sweetheart, all rolled into one package. I am so grateful to be his Mama as so much joy, adventure, and growth surround him. Carry on, Babydude. The world is your (concrete) oyster.

Forward Motion, Please.

If you've been reading this blog for a while, you know this year has been rough. I've been working through a mountain of shtuff. Or maybe you didn't know that everything I wrote about this spring just bubbled up this year. But it did. And here I am, eight months later, still working. Not so much on the residuals of the repressed trauma (although that's going to be a daily thing, at least in part, for who knows how long) but more on the me stuff. The sleep. The body image. The self acceptance. And today there's so much sadness swirling on the internet in regards to the passing of a brilliant man and it was my first day back in full-time mama mode and I had a bizarre experience at yoga, so perhaps it is all of these things or none of these things, but I'm at a hot mess point right now which means I'm here to write my way through it. As I do.

Here's the thing. There's a crap ton of stigma associated with mental illness. Crap ton. So much so that when I started taking an anti-depressive medication earlier this year because I couldn't take an anti-anxiety med which is what I wanted to try to attempt to get my sleep back on track but was (and still am) nursing, I told next to no one. I didn't want the "Oh"s or the questioning looks or, honestly, to have people think I was depressed. Now, I'm in the process of working myself off that medicine because it did nothing to aid my sleep and I was sick of attempting to increase it again and again to get the desired outcome. I have not been diagnosed with anything nor do I think I should be. I went through an extreme circumstance, tried something to help me get through it and now I'm ready to stand on my own again.

Except it's not just standing, it's life and it's moving forward. And moving forward is so freaking hard sometimes because doing so means dealing with the crap that has held me back or down in the past. Stuff that has been rattling around my brain since college and before. Stuff that I want to put a stop to so I can just be and be OK with that. Stuff I thought I was going to work through at the beginning of this year but then it got put to the back burner because, again, that's just life. But now body image and self acceptance are front and center, so tonight when I had an eff-it-I-just-want-to-leave moment during yoga, which has never happened before, because I couldn't stop comparing the size of my hips to the girl beside me who I could see in the mirror every.freaking.time we came upright, I was beyond frustrated. I want to be past all this. I really do. I want to look at my body and see my body, accept my body - not judge it or critique it or compare it. I want to see it and think it is what it is and it is beautiful. Nothing more, nothing less.

Moving forward is also hard because it has to be me doing this work. It's not for anyone else to say or decide or convey because I've spent far too long working to be a certain way for the sake/praise of others and I can't depend on the words of others any more. I can't look to other people to build me up because then I read too much into what is said or isn't said and I've finally learned that if I can't say it to myself, it's not going to matter if others say it to me 100x. Is it nice that my husband tells me I'm beautiful? Of course. But this is my struggle....my mental path to walk, to work, to reframe. Based on my experience tonight, it's going to take a heck of a lot longer than I might like to make that happen, but I'm dedicated to getting to a place where I am as gracious and loving to myself as I am to others. And maybe then I can take the kind words from others, and really hear them, really feel them, because I'll finally see it, too.

DO NOT Take His Word For It!

Look at this sweet face. This is a beautiful, honest face. He is a beautiful, honest boy. But to ward off surreptitious glances at my tummy or any waistline watching, let me be the first to say, DO NOT BELIEVE A WORD THIS CHILD SAYS if he tells you another baby is coming into our house sometime soon!

As you know, we love us some PBS Kids in this house. Love! But I am totally throwing the blame for this sudden upswing of conversation about babies and tummies and new babies coming on Daniel Tiger. Apparently new episodes are coming soon and DT is getting a sib of his very own, and my kids are totally enthralled by the whole thing....so much so that they came running to tell Ben about it the first time a "Coming Soon" trailer ran after Curious George last week and today we had this whole long conversation about what we thought it would be (boy or girl) and what they would name it (Luke, btw, if it is a boy, and we didn't get around to a girl's name, although that's my gender guess, for the record). Enthralled, I tell you!

At first I didn't think much of it. Actually, I thought it sounded like a great storyline because hellluuu, siblings bring on all kinds of new emotions and shtuff for the characters to deal with which is great for the kids watching (i.e. mine). But then we were at the library this morning and I heard something along the lines of "And then there's the baby in Mama's tummy, too!" come out of HD's mouth and made in reference to me, not Daniel Tiger's (or anyone else's for that matter) mom. Sorry, what?! No, sweet child. There's no new baby yet. I guess this is what we get, though, for talking so openly about wanting another babe...a five-yr-old who is not only on board but who is ready for it to be True now.

You've got to love that he loves being a big brother so much that he's ready to be one for the third time over, but, like I said, currently, it's not pending. If my son tells you otherwise, feel free to nod and smile, but don't put any stock in it. I promise, when we have news to share, we will do so!

Marathon Month

A month ago I left on my grand adventure to begin my 200 hr. yoga program in Omaha. Last Friday I returned home and then left again Sunday for an uber-productive day-and-a-half in Lincoln. Yesterday I returned (again) and taught my very first full-length, directed at adults (love you, Family Yoga, but you are a different dance!) at avani. Today was my first day back on the mat at the studio as a student. Needless to say, combined with the natural emotions of ending my time with my ytts, the tremendous whoa-ness of all these firsts this week has got me going.

The first first, teaching last night, was remarkable. It was painful to wait all the live-long day for it to begin (class didn't start until 7 p.m.), but not because I was scared nervous. I was can-we-please-do-this? because-I-was-born-to-do-this nervous which translates more to anticipation than trepidation. And I really was ready. I used the sequence and playlist I made during my training and practiced it in the car on the drive home from Lincoln yesterday morning. My theme was New Beginnings (fitting, eh?) and my primary moves were twists - literally wringing out the physical body to make space in the emotional and spiritual bodies for new energy, new light. And even though I effed up on my Surya B (which I didn't even realize I had done until I saw the Uh, what? faces looking at me when I cued the wrong ending position), we were all able to laugh and move on with the flow. I didn't freak out. I didn't burst into tears. I just kept going. Seriously, I will never get tired of the lessons of life that are played out again and again on the mat. The connection is just too great. We are who we are on the mat who we are off the mat. Learning to carry the breath and the movement will get us through anything in either place. I have no doubt in that.

And I didn't doubt myself last night, either. It felt so good, so right to be leading the class; it made my heart sing. Of course this is not to say that I didn't make other mistakes or that I am some amazing 100% perfect teacher. There's no such thing. I'm as human as anyone else and I've never claimed to be otherwise. But my joy and confidence last night? They tell me I am, hands down, on the right path; although I've been pretty clear on that from the beginning of this yoga journey, it was so satisfying to have confirmation of that last night. To get smiles and high fives from folks. To make them sweat and laugh. To share my passion with them. What an amazing gift and opportunity I've been given and how freaking awesome that avani is what it is (and who it is). Talk about a gift and a community for which I am most grateful. Their trust and support? I can't possibly articulate what it means to me to be given those things. I feel strong starting out as a teacher because they've all been such good teachers to me and I am honored to join their ranks. Truly.

At the same time, it was amazing to be back this afternoon as a student. I missed home quite a bit while I was in Omaha, so being able to roll in today and roll out my mat, ready to receive, was so great. Plus it was a great workout, too. I thought my extreme sweatiness as of late was just LHOY because I have never sweated so much in my life as I have in the last month, but perhaps teacher training just flat-out changed my body chemistry or something, because today was another dripper of a class. As in, ew, sweaty, sweaty mess. And while this probably won't come as a surprise to any of you, the whole thing left me crying by the end, too. Right as we came into supported bridge pose prior to taking savasana, the Lokah chant came on, reminded me of my training group and from there, I was done. Tears in the ears, once again, as I thought about everything the marathon of the last month has brought me: loads of knowledge...amazing new friends and connections...reconnections with old friends...a brand new but so comfortable it feels old path to walk...all of this and more came out of me today on the mat.

And I am off the mat who I am on the mat...full of gratitude, full of love, full of light. Namaste, my friends! It is so very good to be home.

What I've Been Given

Oof. This morning feels a wee bit emotional, a wee bit hard. It's my first Monday in four weeks away from my fellow yoga teacher trainers (my "ytts" which totally looks like and sounds like - in my head - a Sanskrit word - right?). It's also my fifth Monday away from my fam because even though I'm not in Omaha, I'm still yoga-ing away like crazy. I rolled out after supper last night for Lincoln (thanks H fam for the awesome hospitality!) so I could hit pretty much every class on the LHOY-L schedule for today and tomorrow morning. And before you think I've totally lost my mind, I'm not practicing at each one. For the most part, I'm assisting, which is still intense and hard (touching strangers? weird.), but still, it's a long day and a half and I'm still away from my two families that have gotten me through the last month, so I'm struggling a bit. As you can probably imagine, I'm borderline teary every other five minutes this morning. But I'm focusing on how awesome it is to have Ben around for another week before school starts so I can get here and get so much accomplished with the amazing ladies in Lincoln (and did you see my fb post about Starbucks? How can I be grumpy when I have access to Starbucks?!).

The other things getting me through right now are the various-and-numerous-but-really-countless gifts and lessons I have received in the last month. My head is stuffed full of yoga but I still can't wait to learn more. Even though I know we covered SO much, I also feel like I've barely scratched the surface of everything I want to know about the mind, body, and spirit as experienced through yoga and I am so thrilled, so honored, that I have the rest of my life to keep exploring, to keep expanding. Blessed is this life, for sure. And blessed am I for the tangible gifts that came my way at the end of my program last week that are my touchstones as I move through this transitional period of easing back into life at home (even though leaving B & the kids last night was hard, it's good because it gives me a little space back in the yoga bubble before I settle back into my norm at home. baby steps, I tell ya...they're a beautiful thing.)

Look at these gorgeous littles:

The first one to come my way was the "Find Inner Peace" magnet from my sweet friend S. We've exchanged creative gifts before, but this one is probably my fave. I don't know if she had me in mind specifically when she made it, but it was such a perfect gift to send my way. It also totally inspired me to make magnets for the rest of my ytts which was so much fun to do last week.

The second gift was the "Shanti" rock from one of my fellow "old ladies", T, during our second day of marathon practice teaching last week. I love this lady something fierce and again, peace is what we all seek, so I love having this reminder from her to keep a small piece of peace with me always. From that smallness, may calm and satisfaction and contentment radiate.

The third one was such a surprise. My awesome yoga buddy (no really - we were randomly assigned buddies on the first day of training and mine could not have been a more perfect fit for me, as we are totally walking many of the same paths and cut from many of the same cloths) made these chakra malas for everyone in our class. Isn't that/she fantastic?! Chakras are one of the many yoga-related topics that fascinates me, so this bracelet is, again, beyond perfect to keep in me line and keep me moving forward with my practice and my knowledge.

The fourth and final gift came during the closing ceremony of our program last Friday. We all got to pick (without looking) a teaching stone. I was first to go and I waited until everyone in the group had selected theirs before I glanced down at the one I was holding in my hot little hand. Truth? I was totally disappointed at first. I had visions of other colors in mind that would "fit" me as the "stone picks you" and when I first saw mine in the studio, it looked so brown and so plain. Well, metaphor/lesson alert, I then went out into the natural light of the lobby, and looked at it again and saw how much awesomeness is happening with it. It's not brown. It's actually more cream-ish into orange-ish (if any of you are rock gurus, you can totally tell me what the name of the actual stone is, OK?) which is great because the sacral chakra is the same color and my hips, like so many of our hips, carry a crap-ton of shtuff, and I need lots of help opening and releasing from there. I also love how smooth the stone is - a gentle reminder of how I want to approach this life and my role as a mama - with firmness and fluidity. And did you notice how it is totally shaped like a coffee bean? I mean, really - could we pick a better shape for my teaching stone? I think not (even though tea is way more yogic than coffee, but I'm OK w/ that. Maybe I'll be a tea drinker some day/lifetime, eh?).

I wanted to share my sweet littles with you because they are now a part of me. I'll carry them in my heart as I move forward with my practice and my teaching because they are such amazing touchstones of this training journey. I also share them with you to encourage you to find small things that remind you of what makes your heart sing, so you can return to them when necessary. We all need reminders. We all need to be brought back down and back to heart center. And as I continue my re-entry, I'm so thankful to have been given such beauty and light and love.