Can someone please tell me, when did September turn into Crazy Town Time? I thought that was December because of holiday prep or May because of graduation or maybe August because of vacations or perhaps it has always been and will remain forevermore April because of illness? But September? I thought this was a month of back-to-school joy and color-turning leaves and breaking out the sweaters and jeans. However, as it stands on its last day in the year of 2014, September seems a little Cranky Pants inducing. As in, overly scheduled, overly muggy/buggy, and overly too-much-ish. And I know I'm not the only one looking at September like WTG, Dude?! because the general consensus from my people in my places is that we all need a little slowdown and reprieve after this crazy month. Anyone agree? Anyone know why this is?
To begin my own slowdown, I am totally going to start with a reframing that was brought to my attention in a post-yoga-class conversation this weekend. When I smiled and said, "Life is just a bit crazy and chaotic right now" my friend smiled back and said, "Your life is not crazy. It's full." Well, Amen, Lady! She was exactly right and even though part of me wants to keep poo-pooing poor September, and calling it Crazy/Cranky Pants, I know that the real culprit lies within myself. I'm the one who let myself feel crazy (and cranky) this month. I'm the one who let the calendar freak my sh!t out from time to time. I'm the one who needs to step back and look at our busyness not as a burden but as abundance, because that's exactly what this life is. Abundant and full of blessings and opportunities and so much for which to be grateful that I really don't need to walk around thinking or saying that life is crazy. It's just not. And the more I choose to see my day-to-day and week-to-week as full of grace and possibility, the more I will find grace and possibility. The body goes where the mind goes. This I know. So I also know that my stress levels will subside if I simply shift my wording and my thinking (how cool is that?!).
Does this mean I want my October calendar to look just like my September page? Well, no, not exactly. I would like to see a literal slowdown in activity or tag-team-parenting in the next month, although I know that's not very likely to happen. But perhaps I can work on this mental shift if/when there are moments here and there when I can just stop and be still. If those quiet moments arise, I will take them. I will take them and I will do my best to not only notice but also cherish them, for it will be in those moments that I can step back and see all the magnificence that surrounds me and see it as pure and good, not frantic and crazy.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Friday, September 26, 2014
Upside Down
It's safe to say that, thanks to Spotify, we listen to a c.r.a.p.ton of music in our house and the Littles and I really enjoy having pretty much any song right at our fingertips. Yesterday, Miss Raegan got sick (boooooo!), and to keep her contained and entertained, I pulled up our beloved Curious George on the good old Spotify. The first song on that soundtrack happens to be "Upside Down" (we know it well in our house) and it turned out to be the perfect fit for the yoga workshop I took last night in terms of both movement and music (since it totally came on mid-way through the event).
In a beautiful bit of worlds coming together, avani worked it out so that one of my(our) teachers from Omaha came to do a Building Blocks of Handstand Workshop with us last night. I've known about it on our schedule for weeks, but I did not know right away that Suzanne would be teaching us handstands. Remember some of my freak outs from this summer? Pretty much anything that involves my wrists or inverting gets me going, so let's just say I was a wee bit Oh. Really? Handstands?! when I discovered what she would be working on with the Hastings yogis. But I love my studio and I love my Lotus teachers, so of course I was still game and ready to give it a whirl even though I have serious trust issues when it comes to asanas such as this.
Who knows what in the mental/emotional world I'm not trusting in these poses, (I'm sure there are multiple connections there), but physically, I get so freaked out when I am asked to balance in any way because I am terrified of falling. Well, not any way. I'm fine with balance poses when I'm upright. But you ask me to invert and balance on my hands? I start to sweat. And I know this sweat-inducing anxiety stems from my back. Chronic back pain will do that to a person, ya know? I just don't look at risky (to me, anyway) poses the same way others might. My motivation or drive to get upside down is skewed because I have a very real fear of injury should I come out of the pose incorrectly (which is so beyond likely when you are learning this kind of stuff). Do I want to learn more advanced poses and challenge myself (any other Doane folks remember that lovely catchphrase?)? Absolutely. Do I want to learn how to take my ego out of the equation so I can accept that inverting and arm balances may or may not come in this lifetime? Even more so than absolutely.
As for the workshop, things went really well. Suzanne's approach was spot on to both guide and challenge us but to also help us see that whether or not we got up in a handstand didn't really matter. What mattered was the trying. The being open and vulnerable. The climbing the mountain and "looking over the cliff" as that is often the scariest part. [For the record: the scariest part of last night was our prep work that involved cartwheeling across the studio. I don't know about any of you, but it's been a decade or two since I've cartwheeled, much less than in a procession line or on display in front of my peers/students/friends/strangers/husband. Terrifying! And my first two attempts were not pretty - not at all. Suzanne observed that I was dropping my top hip on my way over and I don't doubt it because we hold a c.r.a.p.ton of shtuff in our hips and opening up/trusting that activity? Whoosah is all I can say. Oddly enough, when I attempted to let my left side lead (which is where I feel the most of my back pain and have the wonky wrist), I did much better. I don't know if I followed the hand/hand/foot/foot thing better at that point or kept my hips engaged or what, but I pulled off at least one decent-ish cartwheel, so there you go - a baby step up the mountain on my way to inverting and going up on my hands, and after all, this life is forever a series of such steps.]
Post-cartwheels, the rest of the workshop time flew by in an instant. We worked through our building blocks which included our hippy (hippie? ;) ) hops and experimenting with lifting and shifting while on our hands. See those red legs? Those are mine trying to catch some air on the hops which were intense, although not quite cartwheel-intense (which might just be a new catchphrase for me when faced with tests in life), thankfully.
And when we later broke into groups of three to give the handstand a go? Well, that was more cartwheel-esq crazy, but there was a moment - like three seconds - where I got up (with a support on one leg from a spotter) and I felt the energy line drawing up through my core and it was pure awesomesauce. Granted, when I tried again, I was did not have hips above shoulders and was therefore at a diagonal, but I think there might have been a point in that first attempt where I actually sort of kind of did it. Or at least I took another baby step in the right direction, which is pretty awesome.
In true yoga (and anyone related to my YTT experience) form, however, last night was not without some emotional moments. We began the night with a little group huddle/chat in which Suzanne talked to us about working our way up the mountain and being vulnerable and sheesh, if that didn't make little tears spring into my eyes. And when we were asked to close our eyes and think of a time in which we were open and vulnerable in the past? Well, that got me, too, because I instantly flew back to the night in January when I first asked my avani girls about where to go for teacher training and look at what has transpired since then! Taking the risks and opening yourself up to challenge (and possibly hurt) - in whatever form it takes - can bring about such great growth and change. Will that openness someday bring a literal change of perspective in my life that allows me to channel George and "turn the whole thing upside down" to see the world anew? Well, "who's to say what's impossible?!" A year ago I wasn't even practicing yoga much less thinking about teaching it, but here I am as a direct result of opening up and trying something new. There really is no telling what may come next. A hand stand or one of my other arm balance goals? Why not?!
In a beautiful bit of worlds coming together, avani worked it out so that one of my(our) teachers from Omaha came to do a Building Blocks of Handstand Workshop with us last night. I've known about it on our schedule for weeks, but I did not know right away that Suzanne would be teaching us handstands. Remember some of my freak outs from this summer? Pretty much anything that involves my wrists or inverting gets me going, so let's just say I was a wee bit Oh. Really? Handstands?! when I discovered what she would be working on with the Hastings yogis. But I love my studio and I love my Lotus teachers, so of course I was still game and ready to give it a whirl even though I have serious trust issues when it comes to asanas such as this.
Who knows what in the mental/emotional world I'm not trusting in these poses, (I'm sure there are multiple connections there), but physically, I get so freaked out when I am asked to balance in any way because I am terrified of falling. Well, not any way. I'm fine with balance poses when I'm upright. But you ask me to invert and balance on my hands? I start to sweat. And I know this sweat-inducing anxiety stems from my back. Chronic back pain will do that to a person, ya know? I just don't look at risky (to me, anyway) poses the same way others might. My motivation or drive to get upside down is skewed because I have a very real fear of injury should I come out of the pose incorrectly (which is so beyond likely when you are learning this kind of stuff). Do I want to learn more advanced poses and challenge myself (any other Doane folks remember that lovely catchphrase?)? Absolutely. Do I want to learn how to take my ego out of the equation so I can accept that inverting and arm balances may or may not come in this lifetime? Even more so than absolutely.
As for the workshop, things went really well. Suzanne's approach was spot on to both guide and challenge us but to also help us see that whether or not we got up in a handstand didn't really matter. What mattered was the trying. The being open and vulnerable. The climbing the mountain and "looking over the cliff" as that is often the scariest part. [For the record: the scariest part of last night was our prep work that involved cartwheeling across the studio. I don't know about any of you, but it's been a decade or two since I've cartwheeled, much less than in a procession line or on display in front of my peers/students/friends/strangers/husband. Terrifying! And my first two attempts were not pretty - not at all. Suzanne observed that I was dropping my top hip on my way over and I don't doubt it because we hold a c.r.a.p.ton of shtuff in our hips and opening up/trusting that activity? Whoosah is all I can say. Oddly enough, when I attempted to let my left side lead (which is where I feel the most of my back pain and have the wonky wrist), I did much better. I don't know if I followed the hand/hand/foot/foot thing better at that point or kept my hips engaged or what, but I pulled off at least one decent-ish cartwheel, so there you go - a baby step up the mountain on my way to inverting and going up on my hands, and after all, this life is forever a series of such steps.]
Post-cartwheels, the rest of the workshop time flew by in an instant. We worked through our building blocks which included our hippy (hippie? ;) ) hops and experimenting with lifting and shifting while on our hands. See those red legs? Those are mine trying to catch some air on the hops which were intense, although not quite cartwheel-intense (which might just be a new catchphrase for me when faced with tests in life), thankfully.
In true yoga (and anyone related to my YTT experience) form, however, last night was not without some emotional moments. We began the night with a little group huddle/chat in which Suzanne talked to us about working our way up the mountain and being vulnerable and sheesh, if that didn't make little tears spring into my eyes. And when we were asked to close our eyes and think of a time in which we were open and vulnerable in the past? Well, that got me, too, because I instantly flew back to the night in January when I first asked my avani girls about where to go for teacher training and look at what has transpired since then! Taking the risks and opening yourself up to challenge (and possibly hurt) - in whatever form it takes - can bring about such great growth and change. Will that openness someday bring a literal change of perspective in my life that allows me to channel George and "turn the whole thing upside down" to see the world anew? Well, "who's to say what's impossible?!" A year ago I wasn't even practicing yoga much less thinking about teaching it, but here I am as a direct result of opening up and trying something new. There really is no telling what may come next. A hand stand or one of my other arm balance goals? Why not?!
Sunday, September 21, 2014
Closing this Chapter
What a gorgeous day! Beautiful, cool weather that actually fees like Fall...a visit (and peach pie) from my parents...a super fun flow class this morning in which I took everyone through some of my favorite music and asanas (needless to say, they weren't all so happy that Broken Toe is one of my faves!)...and a semi-sort-of-we're-just-gonna-call-it-easier week ahead on the calendar. After the last few weeks, all I can say to that is, whew!
Today also feels, if not a wee bit sad, then at least a little bit nostalgic because I think Lincoln is done nursing. Actually, since he hasn't nursed a full session since before yesterday, I should just say, "Lincoln is done nursing," but then that makes it feel more real and right now, that all feels so bittersweet.
I mean, Baby Dude is 14 1/2 months now and that's an even split between how long I nursed his brother and his sister, so I know he'll be just fine, but with all of our crazy run around otherwise known as Life, I know I am super going to miss nursing because those are our sit down/be close/snuggle times during the day. And LT is such a good snuggler - I'm sad to be missing out, already, on those moments with him. But maybe today is just hard because it is new. And maybe it is hard today because I'm trying to keep my distance a little bit so he doesn't smell milk on me so we actually can make this happen. 'Cuz that's just it. There is a totally a flip side to this that has me a little excited.
I mean, Baby Dude is 14 1/2 months now! He's growing and getting around and I'm ready for both of us to have a little more independence in our day-to-day. In a couple weeks I head back to Omaha, just for a long weekend, for training, and I'll be real honest - I don't want to pump day in and day out again like I did all of July. Granted, it's a long weekend and not a month, but still. If I know he's OK with a sippy and table food and all that, then I'm good with it, too. Plus we're ready to see if the world is ready for one more Little Welschie and after my experience with LT's pregnancy, I know I do not want to be pregnant and nursing again. That was so physically draining on my body, so if we get a little separation between those two activities this time, I think it will be for the better. Plus, this was totally LT's idea so why force it if he's ready?
It started last week when he skipped his mid-day nursing session one afternoon, just at random. Then there was Root Canal Tuesday when Gma gave him a bottle before his nap but I didn't pump to replace that feeding. And then there was Friday when he didn't nurse much at any of his feedings, and then yesterday when he just flat out wriggled off my lap every time I tried to nurse him - even straight away in the morning! So today we are just going with it. More snacks and cups of milk/water and me just not getting too close. In fact, I haven't even attempted any feedings and since he's not chasing after me asking for it, I think he's OK. I, on the other hand, am literally hurting (woke up not feeling too bad, but now that we're halfway through the day and he hasn't touched me, I'm feeling the milk) and aching a bit in my heart, too, because it feels like a big part of our relationship to put down. But of course everything is fine and I'm just having an emotional response to closing this chapter. I know that. The nice thing is, I have pictures this time to remind me of what it was like to cuddle and feed my sweet babe these last 14 1/2 months. Snapshots that B took and professional pics both exist to document that bond and I am so grateful I had a change of heart/reasoning this time.
Now. Who has advice on how to ease my physical discomfort these next few days? I don't want to pump because I don't want to keep stimulating my milk, so....any thoughts on what helps?!
=======================
Update: Thank goodness for wise mama friends on Facebook! Their ideas and encouragement have me using cabbage leaves and looking forward to my first NyQuil in six years later tonight. The cabbage feels amazing, by the way, especially when it is first on, straight from the fridge. Very soothing. But it smells bizarre and I keep catching whiffs of it that make me go, "Huh? Oh, yeah" and I can only imagine how I would smell to others right now (Ben's busy grading and hasn't seemed to notice my odd odor). I also caved and pumped for five minutes to relieve some pressure because, as it was wisely pointed out to me, I do not want to get mastitis, especially since this is a rather abrupt cut-off of my supply. Here's hoping these techniques keep me comfortable and healthy over the next few days!
Today also feels, if not a wee bit sad, then at least a little bit nostalgic because I think Lincoln is done nursing. Actually, since he hasn't nursed a full session since before yesterday, I should just say, "Lincoln is done nursing," but then that makes it feel more real and right now, that all feels so bittersweet.
I mean, Baby Dude is 14 1/2 months now and that's an even split between how long I nursed his brother and his sister, so I know he'll be just fine, but with all of our crazy run around otherwise known as Life, I know I am super going to miss nursing because those are our sit down/be close/snuggle times during the day. And LT is such a good snuggler - I'm sad to be missing out, already, on those moments with him. But maybe today is just hard because it is new. And maybe it is hard today because I'm trying to keep my distance a little bit so he doesn't smell milk on me so we actually can make this happen. 'Cuz that's just it. There is a totally a flip side to this that has me a little excited.
I mean, Baby Dude is 14 1/2 months now! He's growing and getting around and I'm ready for both of us to have a little more independence in our day-to-day. In a couple weeks I head back to Omaha, just for a long weekend, for training, and I'll be real honest - I don't want to pump day in and day out again like I did all of July. Granted, it's a long weekend and not a month, but still. If I know he's OK with a sippy and table food and all that, then I'm good with it, too. Plus we're ready to see if the world is ready for one more Little Welschie and after my experience with LT's pregnancy, I know I do not want to be pregnant and nursing again. That was so physically draining on my body, so if we get a little separation between those two activities this time, I think it will be for the better. Plus, this was totally LT's idea so why force it if he's ready?
It started last week when he skipped his mid-day nursing session one afternoon, just at random. Then there was Root Canal Tuesday when Gma gave him a bottle before his nap but I didn't pump to replace that feeding. And then there was Friday when he didn't nurse much at any of his feedings, and then yesterday when he just flat out wriggled off my lap every time I tried to nurse him - even straight away in the morning! So today we are just going with it. More snacks and cups of milk/water and me just not getting too close. In fact, I haven't even attempted any feedings and since he's not chasing after me asking for it, I think he's OK. I, on the other hand, am literally hurting (woke up not feeling too bad, but now that we're halfway through the day and he hasn't touched me, I'm feeling the milk) and aching a bit in my heart, too, because it feels like a big part of our relationship to put down. But of course everything is fine and I'm just having an emotional response to closing this chapter. I know that. The nice thing is, I have pictures this time to remind me of what it was like to cuddle and feed my sweet babe these last 14 1/2 months. Snapshots that B took and professional pics both exist to document that bond and I am so grateful I had a change of heart/reasoning this time.
Now. Who has advice on how to ease my physical discomfort these next few days? I don't want to pump because I don't want to keep stimulating my milk, so....any thoughts on what helps?!
=======================
Update: Thank goodness for wise mama friends on Facebook! Their ideas and encouragement have me using cabbage leaves and looking forward to my first NyQuil in six years later tonight. The cabbage feels amazing, by the way, especially when it is first on, straight from the fridge. Very soothing. But it smells bizarre and I keep catching whiffs of it that make me go, "Huh? Oh, yeah" and I can only imagine how I would smell to others right now (Ben's busy grading and hasn't seemed to notice my odd odor). I also caved and pumped for five minutes to relieve some pressure because, as it was wisely pointed out to me, I do not want to get mastitis, especially since this is a rather abrupt cut-off of my supply. Here's hoping these techniques keep me comfortable and healthy over the next few days!
Friday, September 19, 2014
Balance Your Chemistry
Does anyone else in this world still keep a paper calendar? My phone is less than smart, so I still use a white board on my fridge to keep track of our weekly comings and goings (and meals so I don't get to lunch on a Wed. or supper on a Thurs. and go ummmmmmm, what are we going to eat???) and a wall calender to keep the "big picture" in mind for each month. While I am more than OK traveling through this world without a smart phone, this whole seeing the big picture every time I walk through my kitchen, when the big picture is quite, well, busy and large, is starting to freak me out a wee bit. I would take a picture and post it but I'm afraid it would just freak you out, too. I mean, what has gotten into September this year?! And as my hubs so correctly (and alarmingly) pointed out, we don't even have kids in activities yet! Yikes!
To make my calendar anxiety worse, October looks to be even less calm, at least for the first week or so. I've been scheduled for a month now to head to Omaha the first weekend of October to my first prenatal yoga teaching module (OMG, cannot even properly express to you how excited I am about that! but hello, textspeak, bold, and italics!), and this last week has brought at least four, if not five, opportunities/events to my attention for that same weekend. Obviously I can't do them all - actually I can't do any of the extras because my module will last the whole weekend and, sorry (totally not sorry), but prenatal is where it's at! - even though I totally wish I could. Two of them are yoga teaching offers, kulas of sorts, that would have been awesome, and another is fun craftacular event where I could get my down with my Pinterest self, and another a fall festival, but holy wow, people. I just can't be in six places at one time! I'm even missing my ten-year reunion (how can ten years gone by even be possible?) at Doane which I was really looking forward to because the campus is gorgeous and has changed a lot in the last decade, plus it would have been fun former roommate time with my Suite 101 girls, but again, I say to you HOLY WOW. There's just too much going on right now!
And so it goes with Fall. Perhaps you've been feeling it, too? If you been to any of my yoga classes in the last few weeks (or if you come in the next few), you've heard me talk about the upcoming change in seasons and how much it impacts us, so it is not like I am surprised to be feeling overwhelmed and super busy like this, but wow (which is apparently the only word I have today to describe life today). I need me some grounding and quick!
The reason behind all this scatteredness I'm feeling (and maybe you, too?) can be tied back to the doshas of Ayurveda. I won't go into much detail because I'm not well-versed enough to teach you much, but basically Ayurveda tells us that there are three types of people in this world - Pitta (fire), Vata (wind), and Kapha (earth). Each of us has a primary dosha (mine is Pitta) and usually a secondary (Vata in my case). Each dosha responds to certain times of day, weather, food, activity, etc. and when your dosha is balanced, life is great. If your dosha gets off kilter, though, your world can seem to be spinning out of control. Enter Vata and the soon-to-be-here Fall. The winds of the season and change can mess with anyone, regardless of dosha, but if you have some Vata in you, hold on and look out! It's so easy to get caught up and swept away this time of year. A teacher of mine from Omaha posted a link on facebook today called the Vata Manifesto and I'm going to take it to heart and echo/quote my yoga buddy, Kate, (who is also a kick-asana mama, yogini, and blogger - could we have been better matched as partners this summer?!), because my Vata is obviously spinning out of control right now. Just ask my calender. Every.damn.day....tons of appointments and meetings and classes and just whoa. While much of this is an abundance of joy-bringing activity, I know I need to tread lightly. I've got to find ways to bring myself back down or I'm going to need a loan to buy a lot more coffee because I'm going to fall back into the sleepless patterns pretty quickly if I'm not careful.
Take last night, for example. I had a great evening teaching two yoga classes at avani, the second of which was all about calming the body to enhance sleep. Well, clearly I did not take my own lesson to heart because when I got home, I started doing, doing, doing things around the house while I waited for B to call it a night and then when we finally did turn in, I realized pretty quickly that, just like a young child, I had totally missed my sleep window. Before long it was 1:30 a.m. and I was still awake (and planning yoga sequences) and then it was 6:23 a.m. and HD was coming in to say "Good Morning." Oof. Let's just say I realllllly enjoyed the mocha I got from Starbucks this morning after my chiro appt. in GI! But really, I can't afford to do that all the time and my fuzzy brain today is enough of a return to last year's sleep hell that terrifies me into wanting to avoid a Vata-induced pitfall this Fall.
So. How to do this? Fabulous question. I think the biggest helper for me will be shutting it (i.e. the computer!) down at night. Not checking anything or sending anything just because it pops in my head. I can make a note of things I don't want to forget and I can do it the next morning. Also, taking the 20-30 minutes each evening that are required to clean up the kitchen and get the house ready for the next day are going to be vital. When I skip that stuff because "I'm tired" it later comes back to haunt me when I am not sleeping and thinking, "Well, poo. I should have just done it because now I'm really tired and will feel even worse tomorrow and will still have those dishes to do/c.r.a.p. to pick up, etc.!" And more than anything, I have to breathe and just trust my breath. I have to know that my body can and will slow down and I will sleep. I can calm my Vata and enjoy this beautiful time of change in the world and in myself. Because let's face it - my calendar has changed in the best way possible this September because I've been so blessed with teaching opportunities right out of the teacher-training gate. The trick now, of course, is learning how to strike a balance so I can value these external blessings while still honoring my quiet, introvert.for.life soul.
I'll let you know if I come across any good resources for staying grounded as the winds increase with the season change. This link, for example, is good, although it is not the same link mentioned above, for balancing Vata. Please share your ideas with me, too!
To make my calendar anxiety worse, October looks to be even less calm, at least for the first week or so. I've been scheduled for a month now to head to Omaha the first weekend of October to my first prenatal yoga teaching module (OMG, cannot even properly express to you how excited I am about that! but hello, textspeak, bold, and italics!), and this last week has brought at least four, if not five, opportunities/events to my attention for that same weekend. Obviously I can't do them all - actually I can't do any of the extras because my module will last the whole weekend and, sorry (totally not sorry), but prenatal is where it's at! - even though I totally wish I could. Two of them are yoga teaching offers, kulas of sorts, that would have been awesome, and another is fun craftacular event where I could get my down with my Pinterest self, and another a fall festival, but holy wow, people. I just can't be in six places at one time! I'm even missing my ten-year reunion (how can ten years gone by even be possible?) at Doane which I was really looking forward to because the campus is gorgeous and has changed a lot in the last decade, plus it would have been fun former roommate time with my Suite 101 girls, but again, I say to you HOLY WOW. There's just too much going on right now!
And so it goes with Fall. Perhaps you've been feeling it, too? If you been to any of my yoga classes in the last few weeks (or if you come in the next few), you've heard me talk about the upcoming change in seasons and how much it impacts us, so it is not like I am surprised to be feeling overwhelmed and super busy like this, but wow (which is apparently the only word I have today to describe life today). I need me some grounding and quick!
The reason behind all this scatteredness I'm feeling (and maybe you, too?) can be tied back to the doshas of Ayurveda. I won't go into much detail because I'm not well-versed enough to teach you much, but basically Ayurveda tells us that there are three types of people in this world - Pitta (fire), Vata (wind), and Kapha (earth). Each of us has a primary dosha (mine is Pitta) and usually a secondary (Vata in my case). Each dosha responds to certain times of day, weather, food, activity, etc. and when your dosha is balanced, life is great. If your dosha gets off kilter, though, your world can seem to be spinning out of control. Enter Vata and the soon-to-be-here Fall. The winds of the season and change can mess with anyone, regardless of dosha, but if you have some Vata in you, hold on and look out! It's so easy to get caught up and swept away this time of year. A teacher of mine from Omaha posted a link on facebook today called the Vata Manifesto and I'm going to take it to heart and echo/quote my yoga buddy, Kate, (who is also a kick-asana mama, yogini, and blogger - could we have been better matched as partners this summer?!), because my Vata is obviously spinning out of control right now. Just ask my calender. Every.damn.day....tons of appointments and meetings and classes and just whoa. While much of this is an abundance of joy-bringing activity, I know I need to tread lightly. I've got to find ways to bring myself back down or I'm going to need a loan to buy a lot more coffee because I'm going to fall back into the sleepless patterns pretty quickly if I'm not careful.
Take last night, for example. I had a great evening teaching two yoga classes at avani, the second of which was all about calming the body to enhance sleep. Well, clearly I did not take my own lesson to heart because when I got home, I started doing, doing, doing things around the house while I waited for B to call it a night and then when we finally did turn in, I realized pretty quickly that, just like a young child, I had totally missed my sleep window. Before long it was 1:30 a.m. and I was still awake (and planning yoga sequences) and then it was 6:23 a.m. and HD was coming in to say "Good Morning." Oof. Let's just say I realllllly enjoyed the mocha I got from Starbucks this morning after my chiro appt. in GI! But really, I can't afford to do that all the time and my fuzzy brain today is enough of a return to last year's sleep hell that terrifies me into wanting to avoid a Vata-induced pitfall this Fall.
So. How to do this? Fabulous question. I think the biggest helper for me will be shutting it (i.e. the computer!) down at night. Not checking anything or sending anything just because it pops in my head. I can make a note of things I don't want to forget and I can do it the next morning. Also, taking the 20-30 minutes each evening that are required to clean up the kitchen and get the house ready for the next day are going to be vital. When I skip that stuff because "I'm tired" it later comes back to haunt me when I am not sleeping and thinking, "Well, poo. I should have just done it because now I'm really tired and will feel even worse tomorrow and will still have those dishes to do/c.r.a.p. to pick up, etc.!" And more than anything, I have to breathe and just trust my breath. I have to know that my body can and will slow down and I will sleep. I can calm my Vata and enjoy this beautiful time of change in the world and in myself. Because let's face it - my calendar has changed in the best way possible this September because I've been so blessed with teaching opportunities right out of the teacher-training gate. The trick now, of course, is learning how to strike a balance so I can value these external blessings while still honoring my quiet, introvert.for.life soul.
I'll let you know if I come across any good resources for staying grounded as the winds increase with the season change. This link, for example, is good, although it is not the same link mentioned above, for balancing Vata. Please share your ideas with me, too!
Saturday, September 13, 2014
Dragonfly Whizz By
Synchronicity is such a beautiful concept. I also love how it demonstrates that where the thoughts go, life goes, too. If you believe in the good, you will look for the good and you will see the good. And in my world, this week, the good took the shape of the dragonfly.
It started with Nahko and Medicine for the People. I heard two of their songs a lot this summer, in Omaha and at avani, and lately I've become obsessed. I wrote about "Black as Night" last week. This week it's "Budding Trees." I can't even tell you how many times I've listened to both of these songs in the last five days. It's a lot. And, if you have seven minutes, you should watch this video because it's pretty much the cutest thing I've ever seen (and I totally wish I was in it!):
On the umpteenth time I listened to "Budding Trees" I picked up on the line, "Dragonfly whizz by and sings, 'Now teach it.'" and I was inspired. On our very first day of YTT, one of our teachers said to us, "You have everything you need, right now, inside you, to teach yoga." We all looked at each other like, "Ummmmmm....okaaaaaaaaay." but now I see what she meant. To be part of this beautiful yoga journey, all you need to pursue a dream and a passion is the dream and the passion. If you carry those items in your heart, others will notice and they will want to learn more. Again, it comes back to the notion that what you look for you, you get. It's so amazingly true.
Ever since, over the last few days, I've had these little images of dragonflies zooming about, whispering and encouraging me to teach it. Just teach it. Don't stress it and don't try to perfect it. Just take what is inside and share it with others. It is that simple (and that complex). And now that lithe little insect is my new yoga teacher mascot, so of course today, I had two different "sightings" of one.
The first was when my newest issue of Yoga Journal arrived. This issue is a beyond-spot-on-perfect gift from the Universe to me because it is all about body image and acceptance and since I'm currently on my own journey with such, it's amazing to have all these articles and resources placed in my hands. One of these particular articles features an interview with Kathryn Budig (she's amazing) and a workout in which she teaches you the steps/poses to get you to Firefly pose. OK, so that's not a Dragonfly, but it is a crazy/beautiful arm balance pose (Dragonfly Pose exists, too, and it's just as wild). Although arm balances scare the bejeebies out of me, I drew inspiration from it. My plan is to take my body-image-loving guru, KB, and use her example to help make some personal goals, including a goal of accepting myself and another of a new, challenging pose.
Will I pick Firefly or Dragonfly? Haven't decided yet, but seeing as the dragonfly showed up again for me this afternoon, that's probably it. I couldn't even tell you the last time I literally saw a dragonfly (this warrants a Duh because I wasn't looking for them!), but sure enough, while visiting with a dear friend this afternoon on my sun porch, I totally spied one hovering around outside the window. How perfect is that?!
The other perfect alignment here is that just a day or two ago, I told this same friend, I know what I want for my next tattoo - a dragonfly! because I see it as a representation of my yoga teaching. And now that I have a goal pose to work at, once I get there, not only will I have the asana, I will also be getting that tattoo. And if it takes me six months to a year or more? Well, that's OK because I have a stinkin' root canal to pay for before I can afford any more ink! Oof.
It started with Nahko and Medicine for the People. I heard two of their songs a lot this summer, in Omaha and at avani, and lately I've become obsessed. I wrote about "Black as Night" last week. This week it's "Budding Trees." I can't even tell you how many times I've listened to both of these songs in the last five days. It's a lot. And, if you have seven minutes, you should watch this video because it's pretty much the cutest thing I've ever seen (and I totally wish I was in it!):
Ever since, over the last few days, I've had these little images of dragonflies zooming about, whispering and encouraging me to teach it. Just teach it. Don't stress it and don't try to perfect it. Just take what is inside and share it with others. It is that simple (and that complex). And now that lithe little insect is my new yoga teacher mascot, so of course today, I had two different "sightings" of one.
The first was when my newest issue of Yoga Journal arrived. This issue is a beyond-spot-on-perfect gift from the Universe to me because it is all about body image and acceptance and since I'm currently on my own journey with such, it's amazing to have all these articles and resources placed in my hands. One of these particular articles features an interview with Kathryn Budig (she's amazing) and a workout in which she teaches you the steps/poses to get you to Firefly pose. OK, so that's not a Dragonfly, but it is a crazy/beautiful arm balance pose (Dragonfly Pose exists, too, and it's just as wild). Although arm balances scare the bejeebies out of me, I drew inspiration from it. My plan is to take my body-image-loving guru, KB, and use her example to help make some personal goals, including a goal of accepting myself and another of a new, challenging pose.
Will I pick Firefly or Dragonfly? Haven't decided yet, but seeing as the dragonfly showed up again for me this afternoon, that's probably it. I couldn't even tell you the last time I literally saw a dragonfly (this warrants a Duh because I wasn't looking for them!), but sure enough, while visiting with a dear friend this afternoon on my sun porch, I totally spied one hovering around outside the window. How perfect is that?!
The other perfect alignment here is that just a day or two ago, I told this same friend, I know what I want for my next tattoo - a dragonfly! because I see it as a representation of my yoga teaching. And now that I have a goal pose to work at, once I get there, not only will I have the asana, I will also be getting that tattoo. And if it takes me six months to a year or more? Well, that's OK because I have a stinkin' root canal to pay for before I can afford any more ink! Oof.
Thursday, September 11, 2014
The Root of the Problem
In July, one of our discussion topics at YTT was how the body physically manifests what the mind and emotions are experiencing. Often (always?) when part of our body hurts, it is because there is a different block/pain there instead, whether it be energetic, emotional, or both. I have to say, I am a believer.
For months earlier this year, I experienced a pain in the middle of my back, but slightly left of center. Actually, it was right behind my heart. No matter how many trips I took to the chiropractor or massages that I had, we could not get it to go away. Yoga would stretch it out but not make it leave. It wasn't until I had a difficult and very emotional conversation with someone I'd needed to talk to for months that it started to alleviate and disappear. And now that I've aired the hurt my heart was feeling? The pain is gone.
While my heart is hurting again today, it's not because of a conversation I need to have; it's because of a different physical ailment that put down roots, this time in my mouth. And after more than a year of running from it, I'm finally at the point where my body won't let me ignore it any longer. I was at the dentist this afternoon, for what feels like my umpteenth trip as of late (I'm exaggerating - it's been like four visits, but c'mon man - that's a lot for a three-week timeframe!) and found out that I have to have a root canal. Thankfully it's not losing a tooth, but my mouth has had enough and it's put me through hell the last few weeks to let me know that.
It started the week I threw out my back and was trying to get healthy enough to go to Omaha. Thankfully I did and my 200 hr. program is now officially done, but at the time, it was pretty stressful and in the past, when I get stressed, I get canker sores in my mouth - right on my front bottom lip. Except this time it wasn't my lip and they weren't just little sores. They were gigantic and on my tongue and I could no longer chew on the right side of my mouth which is what I've been doing for, ohhhhhhh at least the last year or so, avoiding the occasional pain and tenderness that comes on my left side. For the record, I've been so proud at my last few cleanings (you know, the ones that come every six months) that I didn't have a cavity (because I've had a lot of those in my days) - and it never occurred to me that it might be something even worse. But then the sores and the pain came and I started going to my dentist and he tried grinding the tooth to the change the bite and fitted me for a mouth guard (which is going to help me quit clenching my jaw at night, thank goodness), but neither of those were enough to make the tooth pain subside. So root canal it is.
Does this literal pain in my mouth make me wonder what emotional or mental pain initially caused this physical trouble? Of course, and I totally have my theories about all that. Thankfully, I think I've now said what I needed to say, but the fact remains that I sat on it long enough that I now have to handle the physical after effects. And while I'm totally freaked out financially about paying for said effects, I know that doing so is for the betterment of my health and will be a step toward getting back to balanced. I mean, how long has it been since I've chewed on the left side of my mouth? It is time to even out my jaw and my tension and get rid of this pain. And it is time to let my mouth feel the release of nerves that no longer serve me. Holy. Moly. Cow.
For months earlier this year, I experienced a pain in the middle of my back, but slightly left of center. Actually, it was right behind my heart. No matter how many trips I took to the chiropractor or massages that I had, we could not get it to go away. Yoga would stretch it out but not make it leave. It wasn't until I had a difficult and very emotional conversation with someone I'd needed to talk to for months that it started to alleviate and disappear. And now that I've aired the hurt my heart was feeling? The pain is gone.
While my heart is hurting again today, it's not because of a conversation I need to have; it's because of a different physical ailment that put down roots, this time in my mouth. And after more than a year of running from it, I'm finally at the point where my body won't let me ignore it any longer. I was at the dentist this afternoon, for what feels like my umpteenth trip as of late (I'm exaggerating - it's been like four visits, but c'mon man - that's a lot for a three-week timeframe!) and found out that I have to have a root canal. Thankfully it's not losing a tooth, but my mouth has had enough and it's put me through hell the last few weeks to let me know that.
It started the week I threw out my back and was trying to get healthy enough to go to Omaha. Thankfully I did and my 200 hr. program is now officially done, but at the time, it was pretty stressful and in the past, when I get stressed, I get canker sores in my mouth - right on my front bottom lip. Except this time it wasn't my lip and they weren't just little sores. They were gigantic and on my tongue and I could no longer chew on the right side of my mouth which is what I've been doing for, ohhhhhhh at least the last year or so, avoiding the occasional pain and tenderness that comes on my left side. For the record, I've been so proud at my last few cleanings (you know, the ones that come every six months) that I didn't have a cavity (because I've had a lot of those in my days) - and it never occurred to me that it might be something even worse. But then the sores and the pain came and I started going to my dentist and he tried grinding the tooth to the change the bite and fitted me for a mouth guard (which is going to help me quit clenching my jaw at night, thank goodness), but neither of those were enough to make the tooth pain subside. So root canal it is.
Does this literal pain in my mouth make me wonder what emotional or mental pain initially caused this physical trouble? Of course, and I totally have my theories about all that. Thankfully, I think I've now said what I needed to say, but the fact remains that I sat on it long enough that I now have to handle the physical after effects. And while I'm totally freaked out financially about paying for said effects, I know that doing so is for the betterment of my health and will be a step toward getting back to balanced. I mean, how long has it been since I've chewed on the left side of my mouth? It is time to even out my jaw and my tension and get rid of this pain. And it is time to let my mouth feel the release of nerves that no longer serve me. Holy. Moly. Cow.
Sunday, September 7, 2014
Surrendering to the Beauty
As you may have noticed, I use my writing for many purposes. Sometimes I write to help me process. Sometimes to calm the flipdiddle down (which is another way of processing, I suppose) from whatever has been happening. Sometimes to entertain/make myself and others laugh. And sometimes to document....to take an experience and put it into words so I can come back to those words in order to come back to those thoughts and emotions.
Today is one for documenting. First, what a gorgeous day (Helluuuuuuu, Fall! I love you best of all!); we've been blessed all week with beautiful weather and even the rainy day on Friday was perfectly gentle and pleasant. The cool air and warm sun combo of yesterday and today? I might just be in heaven, it's so good. The fam and I spent most of yesterday outside enjoying all the beauty with morning time at our beloved Prairie Loft and the afternoon at two parks, the second of which involved fishing and a little BBQ with friends. And, you might want to go buy a lottery ticket or something because you know this never happens, but we stayed out past the children's bedtime just to enjoy a little bit more of the beauty of last night's activity, friendship, and weather! Crazy, eh?! (for the record, though, the children did not sleep in this morning and are all a little red-eyed today, so we'll be going back to our sleep stickler ways immediately).
And today? Today is awesome. Same glorious weather (with a wee bit more breeze to keep away the freaking mosquitos which happened to be the one downfall of yesterday) and so much happiness buzzing around in my head because I did it! I did my first week of yoga teaching! And I still managed to get on the mat, myself, for a couple classes, and finished a book (hit a huge reading slump in August - whoops) and had social time and started plans for this coming week's classes. Hot dang!
Trust me, though, I am not bragging here. I am simply marveling at actually making all.the.things happen as I had hoped and desired. To use my brother's word, my current schedule/lifestyle is "ambitious" and prior to September starting, it's possible that I was both terribly excited and slightly freaked out by the thought of trying to make it all work. But I did it! At least for one week anyway, and I'm one where, if I do it once (hello, natural childbirth), I use that experience to tell myself I can do it again. You can take your pick on whether that is stubbornness or determination (or having Jansen blood - am I right?!). Granted, this coming week will be more of a stretch as I don't get the week off from my CCC class and I have both of my extra classes at avani (Tuesday Flow 4:45 and Family Yogs at 3:30 Sunday), but it's all good. Really and truly. Things are great.
Part of my exuberance today, and another motivation for documentation, would be the flow I taught this morning. The Sunday a.m. class was my baby, so to speak, and I am so, so glad it was given a chance on the schedule and that I get to teach it. Even better? The turn out and the class in general and the smiles throughout all of it! So, so awesome. Friendly and familiar faces and new ones, too, and altogether we had ourselves a nice little flow of it.
You've heard me say it before, but I'm just going to keep on giving gratitude, outward and inward, for this opportunity and all the good things comin', comin', comin' (check out this song/video for that reference and the blog post title to make more sense):
Today is one for documenting. First, what a gorgeous day (Helluuuuuuu, Fall! I love you best of all!); we've been blessed all week with beautiful weather and even the rainy day on Friday was perfectly gentle and pleasant. The cool air and warm sun combo of yesterday and today? I might just be in heaven, it's so good. The fam and I spent most of yesterday outside enjoying all the beauty with morning time at our beloved Prairie Loft and the afternoon at two parks, the second of which involved fishing and a little BBQ with friends. And, you might want to go buy a lottery ticket or something because you know this never happens, but we stayed out past the children's bedtime just to enjoy a little bit more of the beauty of last night's activity, friendship, and weather! Crazy, eh?! (for the record, though, the children did not sleep in this morning and are all a little red-eyed today, so we'll be going back to our sleep stickler ways immediately).
And today? Today is awesome. Same glorious weather (with a wee bit more breeze to keep away the freaking mosquitos which happened to be the one downfall of yesterday) and so much happiness buzzing around in my head because I did it! I did my first week of yoga teaching! And I still managed to get on the mat, myself, for a couple classes, and finished a book (hit a huge reading slump in August - whoops) and had social time and started plans for this coming week's classes. Hot dang!
Trust me, though, I am not bragging here. I am simply marveling at actually making all.the.things happen as I had hoped and desired. To use my brother's word, my current schedule/lifestyle is "ambitious" and prior to September starting, it's possible that I was both terribly excited and slightly freaked out by the thought of trying to make it all work. But I did it! At least for one week anyway, and I'm one where, if I do it once (hello, natural childbirth), I use that experience to tell myself I can do it again. You can take your pick on whether that is stubbornness or determination (or having Jansen blood - am I right?!). Granted, this coming week will be more of a stretch as I don't get the week off from my CCC class and I have both of my extra classes at avani (Tuesday Flow 4:45 and Family Yogs at 3:30 Sunday), but it's all good. Really and truly. Things are great.
Part of my exuberance today, and another motivation for documentation, would be the flow I taught this morning. The Sunday a.m. class was my baby, so to speak, and I am so, so glad it was given a chance on the schedule and that I get to teach it. Even better? The turn out and the class in general and the smiles throughout all of it! So, so awesome. Friendly and familiar faces and new ones, too, and altogether we had ourselves a nice little flow of it.
You've heard me say it before, but I'm just going to keep on giving gratitude, outward and inward, for this opportunity and all the good things comin', comin', comin' (check out this song/video for that reference and the blog post title to make more sense):
Thursday, September 4, 2014
Keeping My Cool
I didn't realize it until I just sat down to write, but this morning marks a bit of a milestone for me; it was the start of my fourth year attending meetings with my local MOPS group. Four years? Is that even right? I'm no math teacher (bless my hubby's heart), but I'm pretty sure that's accurate. Whoa.
While I lived for attending MOPS meetings my first year, the last two years have been pretty spotty for me. In a way, it reminds me of my attendance with Baby Weighs - which each new kiddo, my confidence has grown and I've managed to navigate a little more on my own. I was so isolated and so alone when I began MOPS that I desperately needed that adult conversation and friendly company. But then in my second and third year, as more kiddos came, I thankfully had some connections established which allowed me to miss meetings without triggering sheer panic at the thought. Good thing, too, because a lot of what kept me away was illness from being pregnant (two years ago when I found out Mr. LT was on the way) and then dealing with sick and/or reluctant Littles (um, pretty much all of last year). When you have three under five to haul around but of course you can't go if even one of them is slightly ill, you get stuck home. A lot.
Anyway, all of this is to say, I'm glad I gave it a go again this morning/this year. I have met some amazing women through this group and to see some of those smiling faces that I don't otherwise see around town is always a joy. Also, I've got a lot going on in my world right now and it was comforting to come back to a space that has seen me up and down (and very, very tired) and be able to share in the excitement that "It's all happening!" How very blessed I felt to be chatting with various mamas, hearing from each one that they are happy for me or proud of me. Was it an ego boost? A pat on the back? You bet. But more than anything, these moments - these conversations - are affirmation of this journey and this light I now have. The joy I see in their faces and hear in their voices? It's because I carry the same in my own face or my own voice when I talk about yoga and where my family is today. Last year this time? Totally didn't have it. Not that I was at wit's end, but it's almost unbelievable how much growth and change can come in just 12 months time. And I am beyond grateful for everything in these last 12 months!
For as much as I enjoyed myself this morning, I was also pleased that RL and LT made it through the meeting in their own respective childcare rooms. Linky wasn't too thrilled when I left him, and Raegan was a little weepy, too, but she was beyond fine when I went back to get her. All smiles and telling me how she had snack and played with five kids and made a budderfy (of the most beautiful coffee filter variety, I might add). Totally cool. And while Lincoln obviously couldn't report back, he seemed fine. Until he wasn't.
We got home and sheesh, that kid. He was just super fussy, even after I changed him and nursed him and everything. I just could not figure out what he needed, so I took him for his nap even though I'm supposed to be working on stretching him past noon so I can get to preK to get HD every day without the kid falling asleep on the way to/from the Y. So I got him down and he finally calmed down and then it was time to feed RL and she lost it - because her Kraft Single tore as she opened it. Not even kidding. Five minutes of wailing and tears over a piece of cheese. And then there was Round Two when it tore again as she tried to eat it. In the middle of this, there were lots of "NO!"s and "DON'T LOOK AT ME!"s and lovely two-yr-old-isms such as that. And all of it was LOUD which was great seeing as we were sitting at the table which is in the room directly below where the baby had just started to nap.
All of this is to say, however, that I'm going to pat myself on the back right now because I did not freak out. I did not scream and I did not have the same pangs of guilt and insecurity and doubt that I have had after so many other MOPS meetings. There. I said it. I've always liked going to meetings and often times I'd walk away feeling like I learned something or could be a better mom, and then I'd get home and my kids would be tired and I'd be sweaty and everyone would need to eat, and I would end up screaming at some or all of them. Not pretty, but true. And then I'd feel awful because why couldn't I just be a better mom like all those moms at MOPS?! But here's the other truth - I'm not the other moms at MOPS. I am just me. And I'm learning, every day, how to be the best version of me that exists, while remaining fully aware that best is never going to be perfect. I'm going to have moments of anger and frustration and insecurity; it's what I do with them and how I move through them that matters.
Today, I am proud. I didn't let my fussing, screaming kids agitate me. In other words, I did not take on their behavior or take it personally. Their meltdowns? They were just happening because that's life, not because I'm a bad parent, which is pretty much why I was always yelling in the past - freaked out that if I didn't make them better behaved and perfect at home, then what would the public think of or say about them?! Because that's another lesson I'm learning right now - that I cannot control what others say or think. I can only control myself and right now I'm working, working, forever working, to see the good.
So did my two littlest drive me slightly bonkers for an hour today? Yes, yes they did. But then my oldest got dropped off at home by a friend who also happened to compliment his behavior and then he and I had the best lunch date of sandwiches and chips you ever did see, just the two of us, and I walked away from this whole morning with a smile in my heart after all. Does this mean I'll never sweat or freak out again? Good heavens, no. And although avoiding all that sounds nice, I know the real growth comes from experiencing those moments; without them, I wouldn't know just how special today really is.
While I lived for attending MOPS meetings my first year, the last two years have been pretty spotty for me. In a way, it reminds me of my attendance with Baby Weighs - which each new kiddo, my confidence has grown and I've managed to navigate a little more on my own. I was so isolated and so alone when I began MOPS that I desperately needed that adult conversation and friendly company. But then in my second and third year, as more kiddos came, I thankfully had some connections established which allowed me to miss meetings without triggering sheer panic at the thought. Good thing, too, because a lot of what kept me away was illness from being pregnant (two years ago when I found out Mr. LT was on the way) and then dealing with sick and/or reluctant Littles (um, pretty much all of last year). When you have three under five to haul around but of course you can't go if even one of them is slightly ill, you get stuck home. A lot.
Anyway, all of this is to say, I'm glad I gave it a go again this morning/this year. I have met some amazing women through this group and to see some of those smiling faces that I don't otherwise see around town is always a joy. Also, I've got a lot going on in my world right now and it was comforting to come back to a space that has seen me up and down (and very, very tired) and be able to share in the excitement that "It's all happening!" How very blessed I felt to be chatting with various mamas, hearing from each one that they are happy for me or proud of me. Was it an ego boost? A pat on the back? You bet. But more than anything, these moments - these conversations - are affirmation of this journey and this light I now have. The joy I see in their faces and hear in their voices? It's because I carry the same in my own face or my own voice when I talk about yoga and where my family is today. Last year this time? Totally didn't have it. Not that I was at wit's end, but it's almost unbelievable how much growth and change can come in just 12 months time. And I am beyond grateful for everything in these last 12 months!
For as much as I enjoyed myself this morning, I was also pleased that RL and LT made it through the meeting in their own respective childcare rooms. Linky wasn't too thrilled when I left him, and Raegan was a little weepy, too, but she was beyond fine when I went back to get her. All smiles and telling me how she had snack and played with five kids and made a budderfy (of the most beautiful coffee filter variety, I might add). Totally cool. And while Lincoln obviously couldn't report back, he seemed fine. Until he wasn't.
We got home and sheesh, that kid. He was just super fussy, even after I changed him and nursed him and everything. I just could not figure out what he needed, so I took him for his nap even though I'm supposed to be working on stretching him past noon so I can get to preK to get HD every day without the kid falling asleep on the way to/from the Y. So I got him down and he finally calmed down and then it was time to feed RL and she lost it - because her Kraft Single tore as she opened it. Not even kidding. Five minutes of wailing and tears over a piece of cheese. And then there was Round Two when it tore again as she tried to eat it. In the middle of this, there were lots of "NO!"s and "DON'T LOOK AT ME!"s and lovely two-yr-old-isms such as that. And all of it was LOUD which was great seeing as we were sitting at the table which is in the room directly below where the baby had just started to nap.
All of this is to say, however, that I'm going to pat myself on the back right now because I did not freak out. I did not scream and I did not have the same pangs of guilt and insecurity and doubt that I have had after so many other MOPS meetings. There. I said it. I've always liked going to meetings and often times I'd walk away feeling like I learned something or could be a better mom, and then I'd get home and my kids would be tired and I'd be sweaty and everyone would need to eat, and I would end up screaming at some or all of them. Not pretty, but true. And then I'd feel awful because why couldn't I just be a better mom like all those moms at MOPS?! But here's the other truth - I'm not the other moms at MOPS. I am just me. And I'm learning, every day, how to be the best version of me that exists, while remaining fully aware that best is never going to be perfect. I'm going to have moments of anger and frustration and insecurity; it's what I do with them and how I move through them that matters.
Today, I am proud. I didn't let my fussing, screaming kids agitate me. In other words, I did not take on their behavior or take it personally. Their meltdowns? They were just happening because that's life, not because I'm a bad parent, which is pretty much why I was always yelling in the past - freaked out that if I didn't make them better behaved and perfect at home, then what would the public think of or say about them?! Because that's another lesson I'm learning right now - that I cannot control what others say or think. I can only control myself and right now I'm working, working, forever working, to see the good.
So did my two littlest drive me slightly bonkers for an hour today? Yes, yes they did. But then my oldest got dropped off at home by a friend who also happened to compliment his behavior and then he and I had the best lunch date of sandwiches and chips you ever did see, just the two of us, and I walked away from this whole morning with a smile in my heart after all. Does this mean I'll never sweat or freak out again? Good heavens, no. And although avoiding all that sounds nice, I know the real growth comes from experiencing those moments; without them, I wouldn't know just how special today really is.
Wednesday, September 3, 2014
Her First Day, Too!
To say that Raegan is a wee bit disappointed about not being able to start preschool this week, like her beloved big brother, would be a gross understatement. The child has talked about nothing else for the last week and she is clearly so bummed that she's not old enough for "Peeeescool" (which is funny if you look at it from a PT standpoint because she totally doesn't need that kind of school!). Like most, I wanted to find a way to, perhaps not "fix", but at least to ease this transition for her.
Thanks to various activities available around town, our Tuesdays and Thursdays should be fun-filled and active this fall. Fine Arts Tuesdays will be a snap thanks to Little Music Makers and Toddler Art. Thursdays will be MOPS and Toddler Time at the library (if I've got the right story time in mind, anyway). But MWF are pretty wide open and RL and LT and I just don't quite know what to do with just ourselves and not Mr. Harrison along for the ride. That is why, when a friend suggested last week that we do some preschool books with Raegan at home while HD's at school, the light bulb went off over my head. Brilliant! She's the kind of kid who will actually sit and do such things for an extended period of time, so I hopped on Amazon that very night to find some great workbooks for the preK set.
When I mentioned the idea to Raegan this weekend, however, I was met with something pretty similar to this face:
But guess what? This picture was taken this morning on our first official day of Home Preschool (and yes, she asked me to take her picture but then gave me this face)! Now, I'm not actually claiming to be leading a home preschool. I'm not cut out to be a home school parent or a preschool teacher (god bless those who are!), but for Baby Girl, I decided to do my best and give her a chunk of time three times a week to "do" preschool here at the house. I went to the store, got a little tote and some various supplies for it and we're just going to see what happens. Here is what the rest of Day One looked like:
Delight upon opening the tote and looking through the contents! If she would let me pull her hair up more often *ahem* you might better be able to see said delight.
Checking out the goods. My idea is that I'll switch the books each few weeks and add/subtract craft supplies/projects whenever needed. Now, none of this may float beyond this week - I'm just throwing out the very rough "work in progress" here for y'all!
As far as trial runs go, though, I'd say this morning was a huge success. She played with different activities for AN HOUR (!!!!) and then again when we got back from an errand run. Craziness. The stickers were a huge hit, although I had to do a lot of helping to get the backs off because somebody, for reasons and in locations unknown to us, has been biting her fingernails for the last year, at least. Perhaps this will motivate her to stop?!
Sweet Miss with her finished creation. I put it on our door, right next to one Harrison made shortly after we moved into this house, when he was roughly the same age Ragean is now. They make my heart smile. 
But naturally it did not take more than five minutes for him to start trying to eat the crayon and then he found the tape under the paper and then he was just done. Can't win 'em all, eh?
Thanks to various activities available around town, our Tuesdays and Thursdays should be fun-filled and active this fall. Fine Arts Tuesdays will be a snap thanks to Little Music Makers and Toddler Art. Thursdays will be MOPS and Toddler Time at the library (if I've got the right story time in mind, anyway). But MWF are pretty wide open and RL and LT and I just don't quite know what to do with just ourselves and not Mr. Harrison along for the ride. That is why, when a friend suggested last week that we do some preschool books with Raegan at home while HD's at school, the light bulb went off over my head. Brilliant! She's the kind of kid who will actually sit and do such things for an extended period of time, so I hopped on Amazon that very night to find some great workbooks for the preK set.
When I mentioned the idea to Raegan this weekend, however, I was met with something pretty similar to this face:
Sweet Miss with her finished creation. I put it on our door, right next to one Harrison made shortly after we moved into this house, when he was roughly the same age Ragean is now. They make my heart smile.
The pony beads on pipe cleaners were fascinating for RL, as well. She filled at least two of them completely and managed to not make a huge mess with any of the stuff she did this morning. In fact, she even helped clean up the mess from the stickers! So, yes, she whips a pout and throw plenty of attitude at me, but dang, the girl is a rock star, too.
Now we just need to figure out what LT is going to do while RL does "preschool" here. I tried putting him in his chair with some crayons and a piece of paper taped to his tray this morning and it started off beautifully. For a few minutes, I thought I would actually have some of his artwork to hang in the house today, too!
But naturally it did not take more than five minutes for him to start trying to eat the crayon and then he found the tape under the paper and then he was just done. Can't win 'em all, eh?
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