Yowzers. That's really all I can say about the last two days (with one ommazing day left to go) of this first weekend of prenatal yoga teacher training. There have been some extremely personal and emotional moments, as expected, and I'm also really getting that flame of excitement burning for teaching prenatal yoga, not to mention Baby Fever (as in, wow, I want to have another baby). As for fixing that fever, well, another yoga mantra is going to have to see me through until it happens, because unless I "relax around the process" (thanks S.S. and K.J.), I'm going to work myself into a tizzy about adding Welschie No.4 and clearly that's not going to do any of us any good. The beauty of this weekend is that it reflects my own ideas on timing and auspiciousness which is when all the good things come together at just the right moment, which also means I've got to relinquish control. Just let it be (omg, love this song...it's the grown up version of the Frozen anthem and so very awesome). That's hard for a Type-A Lifer, but I'll keep trying.
Besides fanning/trying to contain the Baby Fever Flame, this weekend has delved into everything from body image and self love to chandra namaskar (moon salutations), definitions of womanhood, birth stories, and female empowerment. We're talking about some serious stuff here, my friends. Lots of emotions and feelings and ideas have been flying around the studio this weekend, so thank goodness for the sense of peace/home I feel here now (after my marathon summer stay) and for the amazing friends - old and new - that I have to surround and support me with love right now. It doesn't even matter if we know in the moment why there are tears in the other person's eyes - we are are there with quick hugs or shoulder squeezes and acceptance and love for each other. What an amazing gift that is, because, hi, have there been moments of tears.
For me the most emotional part of this weekend has been the concept of womanhood, seconded by body acceptance which is obviously an on-going journey for me. The definition of womanhood and understanding/seeing/accepting myself as a woman is something I've come to see this year in relation to my repressed trauma. Prior to this past winter, I never understood why I had such a hard time even referring to myself as a woman, but when certain choices that relate to your definition of womanhood are taken from you, it's hard to be at peace with the idea of suddenly being one. Does that make even an iota of sense? I feel like I'm talking in some bizarre code here, but there was a moment Friday night when we were talking about body part names, specifically the female sex organ being named in relationship to the man's, that just set me off. Logically I've known that I don't have to define myself as a woman in relationship to a man or sex or anything other than being a woman, but something about that conversation sparked an emotional reaction in me that was such a release. Do I have my new definition (man, I am really trying to rewrite my vocabulary these days, aren't I?) yet? Well, no, not entirely. But I'm getting there, which is why - again - the perfect timing (the auspiciousness) of these modules is so awesome. I get to be surrounded by amazing women and learning from an incredible woman and by the time this certification is over? Well, by then I fully expect to have my new way to view and define womanhood which will allow me to accept myself as such.
And while it was a red eye moment Friday night and another tears-in-the-ears flow class on Saturday (and who knows what/when it will come today!), I'm already feeling so much more at peace. Not even a hint of tears as I write this, actually, which in itself is pretty damn impressive. I'm also beginning to see that that - the dealing w/ of one's own shtuff - is one of the goals of this training. To be able to serve the mamas and the women in our classes, we have to be working on our issues, too. Thank goodness yoga is a moving meditation/prayer/mind-body-connection that enables a person to work through all.the.things in a healthy and helpful way. So bring on the tears and the news words and definitions and all the other beauty and soul searching...may it be a never-ending process of tuning in and opening up to all that is within and all that is possible. Which, omg, reminds me that I never explained the title of this post! We learned yesterday about the story of Lakshmi and how she was churned out of the ocean of milk (just read the link; it will make more sense than I will right now) and how it this churning - this work that we do in our lives - that brings about our power and our souls. So yes, I'll stop the world and churn with you my friends. Any time. <3
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