Fake It 'Til You Make It

Living in the present. This is a primary goal for many yogis/folks in general and there are some major benefits to doing so. Not wishing your days away? Another excellent approach to your life's journey, especially since none of us know the true sum of our endless numbered days (musical reference? anyone?). All that being said, though, I find myself entering December with a slight attitude of being ready to close out this calendar year.

2014? It's been a Dicken's-sort-of-year, and on many levels, I have worked my arse off during all of the ups and downs. Physically, mentally, and emotionally, this year has brought more challenge and growth than any other I can remember. From intense therapy sessions to my yoga marathon and now my three part-time jobs on top of the ever present full-time mama gig, I've had my hands full. And not that any of this schedule and plate spinning is going to go away, necessarily, but I guess I'm looking forward a bit to 2015 with the hope of it bringing more settling, more slow down, and more time to just be (which is ironic seeing as I'm tapping my toes waiting for January to arrive, not quite able or willing to just be in the now NOW. How very human and humbling is that?!).

For one, there won't be any more training marathons after January - at least not for a while. Once I finish my prenatal modules, I'm taking a step back from adding hours and certifications so I can focus on where my own practice is and really hone in on the prenatal stuff. I am so beyond excited to bring prenatal yoga to Hastings, but you can bet your sweet, sweet bippies that I want to do so in the best and safest manner possible for those mamas-to-be! So, yes. Time to study. Time to prepare. Time to practice. That is part of what I hope to find in 2015.

Another hope I have is to continue enjoying the progress I have made in the last year. The calm and the peace and the reserve I've been working on and stock piling? I already see their benefits when I'm able to handle the changes in schedule or the inevitables and randoms that pop up when you are parenting little Littles. Although, some days, I'm learning that the best approach is to fake it 'til I make it. Like today, when I wanted to put on my Eff You Tuesday pants (but opted for my pink elephant tank instead) when for the second time in as many weeks, my plans that I made for myself to have an actual daylight hours break away from the house mid-week fell through (dramatic pause and eyes closed HD glare when you say the next word) again. The first time it happened, I made a girlfriend laugh when I said, "Silly me. I thought I was actually going to get time to myself." But today felt less funny and more isolating than anything as it served as a reminder that during the day, I'm on my own. If a babysitter can't come, I can't get away. Duh, right? But when that reality smacks me in the face, especially when I've tried to carve out some time to take care of myself, it can be overwhelming and deflating.

The beauty in these moments of too much (and what feels, selfishly, like not enough) comes in the breath. That I am here and I am blessed to keep breathing. That I get to keep taking deep breaths as I fake my way through the let down or the sadness until suddenly I find myself on the other side. Sometimes it takes many, many breaths to get there, you know?

Today's other side? Brought to me by yoga, of course. I taught a lovely class this afternoon and quite openly acknowledged just how Tuesday-ish Tuesday can be. We laughed and we moved and we made it. Step One. Also boosting my spirits tonight? The fact that a babysitter did come through for this evening so the hubs and I could have yoga date night - one of our rare but favorite occurrences. Also also boosting? Today I observed, both when teaching and when taking, a shift in my body. Suddenly (even though I know it's not sudden - it's a year+ of work), my hips are more open and I'm coming deeper into pose after pose after pose. And for the first time ever? Tonight?! I got up in upward facing bow! Urdhva Dhanurasna (which is one of my favorite Sanskrit names because it sounds just as fierce as the pose is) in the house (or rather, on the mat!!!!)!!!!

Tried to recreate it at home - had to use the baseboard to help and yes, my hands
are nowhere near where they need to be (under my shoulders) but are you
kidding me?! This is huge progress!!!

So even though this day turned out to be not what I planned (wait. are they ever?), and I'm tired and the dishes still aren't done, I'm going to call it a success because it was another step. Toward the new year? In the right direction? To the yogini I desire to be? Yep, yep, and yep.

To continue taking breaths and steps - it is all any of us can hope to do.