The Edge

In yoga (ermigerd, are you so sick of me talking about this yet? because you know it is only going to continue, right? this blog has officially become part mama/part yogi in nature, which is fitting since that's totally me now, too.) my instructors often talk about working with your "edge" - this place in each move where you push your body and experiment with your asana but one in which you also listen to and honor your body. When you push too hard, too far, ego is creeping in and you can go over the edge (physically or mentally) and injure yourself (physically or mentally). The edge is good to play with because it is how you grow, but you've got to keep pride and ego out of it to avoid those downfalls, and this takes practice.

Apparently Week Two of Yoga School (have I explained to you that this is how I explained this month to my kids and that's why I keep calling it that? my mind is a little mushy from all the learning, and with the sudden increase of posts, I don't always remember what I've written and what's still just swirling around my brain. and ermigerd, again....this aside got long!) is all about me practicing with my edge. As you read yesterday, a simple asana adjustment brought me to an emotional edge. I didn't totally tip over it but I felt its weight a great deal for a long time throughout the day. Thankfully, in talking to my teacher about it, I realized that my reaction was totally legit because in that moment on the teaching mat, I had a release of energy and with it came the release of emotion. Makes total sense.

Today was edgy in its own way with an intense lesson on the LHOY Master Flow in which we practiced a ton of moves and Sanskrit. Actually, it wasn't a ton of moves and Sanskrit; it was a contained set of poses and words, but we did them so many times that it just wore me out. Does that make me sound old? Because I don't feel old, even though at least half of my group is probably 8-10 years younger than I am. What it makes me feel is full. My brain was so full this morning because I came to my edge of poses + practice + parsvakonasanas (etc.). And that's OK. When I push through the full moments, I find appreciation for the quiet, empty moments that follow IF I allow myself to see them. And when I set my ego aside, I realize I can see them and I don't have to conquer the (yoga) world in one day. I have time to do all of my extra classes and additional requirements. It is OK to step back, breath, and just absorb everything that's been given to me in one day. So I'm exploring that edge - pushing myself but also reminding myself that this is a marathon, not a sprint, and honey, I'm in for the wonderful long-haul on this.

Ah, Freak Out?!

Well, hello highly-and-overly-emotional reaction. I've been wondering when you might make an appearance on this yoga journey.

Today is Day 6 (which makes Day 8 of being away from home, if my math is correct and chances are, it is not). It is also Monday. So I could rationalize my mental state right now and say, "Oh, I'm tired." or I could explain that the reality of just starting Week Two (after a really busy Week One and with two more to go after this) finally hit me. Or I could just be honest and say I have no idea why I am feeling so emotional right now.

Our morning was spent learning and practicing anatomy. Whenever we are doing asana labs or discussing the physical practice of yoga, our instructor has people take turns volunteering to come to the mat in the center of room. It helps to see it in bodies, she tells us. And she's right. It does help us learn what is proper and what is not and to be able to see it in different bodies is key because everyone who walks into a yoga study certainly does not have the same body type. Plus I'm totally a visual learner, so this particular practice is great for me.

Last week, though, I refrained from any such volunteering. Part of that might have been a wee bit of fear of being in front of the rest of my group, part might have been that I wasn't worried that I was way off in the poses we were discussing (although, in another honest moment? I wish I could have every single pose checked and aligned...that appeals to my Type A-ness very much, thanks). But this morning, Down Dog was on the docket and I totally wanted to jump on that mat and have the magic (YTTs, the magic is everywhere today!) worked on me.

Down Dog is a very basic, very foundational pose in yoga. You do it so often and it moves you into so many other asanas that there is no way to avoid it. For several months now, though, I have been wanting very much to skip past it. Although I can't for sure pinpoint when/what happened, a while back I did something to my left wrist/thumb that has made DD and other related poses (plank, wild thing, chaturanga, etc.) feel less than awesome. The girls at avani have been working with me to help me with this wonkiness, but it is definitely not gone yet which is why I wanted my instructor this morning, and the other yoga teacher trainers, to look at me.

Scary as it is to get to be the only one on the mat in a room full of people, it felt good to be there. They helped me understand that I need to open more through my shoulders and that my pressure on my hands is not correct (clearly - it was making my fingers turn blue, which is, you know, typically a frowned upon thing). And wouldn't you know? The pose (and my left side) felt so much better by the time I stepped off the mat to let another "body" give the teaching mat a go.

But as soon as I stepped off, I felt completely flooded with emotion. So much so that I considered leaving the room so I could got have myself a little Moment in the bathroom or dressing room. No actual tears sprung into my eyes, but I felt (and can still feel it now) this big well of emotion rise up in my chest. The confusing part is, I don't know what's causing it. Am I on the verge of happy tears because I know there is correction and more comfort in my future with this wrist/thumb? For sure. Am I discouraged and disheartened by how freaking hard I had to think and work to get into that pose and have no clue how I'm going to do that every single time an Adho Mukha Svanasana is called in a class? Totally.

(cue end of lunch break and pause in writing)

Thankfully, just like the two sides of my reaction, this entire day had two sides, too, and therefore, so does my writing. I was still feeling shaky and unsettled when we returned from lunch break but then we spent the most amazing afternoon in the most amazing weather (seriously - breezy but cool in mid-July? Unbelievable and totally the best). And our topic - sequencing - was pretty fantastic (you know I wanted to say "amazing" again, right?), too. There is so much I love about yoga, and asana in particular, so the joy of setting up an entire class helped ease the confusion and frustration of the morning and I found myself smiling and laughing before we broke for the day. Honestly? I still have no clue why I had an almost meltdown. None. But it's all necessary, all part of the process, because hiccups such as these will ultimately make me the kind of compassionate teacher I hope to be. Having my own struggles makes me human. It makes me relate to my students when they struggle or hurt. It shows me that when the small picture analysis gets sticky, I can still step back and enjoy the big picture. Holy moly cow. Once again - my lessons from the mat are the best analogies for the life lessons off it, too.

The Good Life

After a lovely but all too brief two-night visit with the fam, I am once again on my own in O-town today. I loved having B and the kids come stay with me and even though it was chaotic and no one napped very well (but that totally gave us the freedom to do fun stuff like the Children's Museum instead), it was beyond good to have them in my arms and eyesight again. It about broke my ding-dang heart when Miss Raegan threw a fit this morning about having to leave (totally didn't help that Sweet Miss woke up with a fever to boot - boo! and poor, poor Ben, who is now home dealing with that on his own!). But I got in snuggles and kisses (and washed my hands immediately because, Please! No kid germs!!) and lots of waves as they loaded up and headed out early this morning. Then, I got down to business.

I realized, though, that I haven't been doing a lot of writing about the actual day-to-day of "Yoga School", so my "business" is still a mystery to most of you beyond the fact that it has been busy and sweaty (as I'm always sure to mention just how very sweaty I get every day, I think). The basic breakdown is such: we begin each day at 8 a.m., work until noon and then we go again from 1-4. During that time we have scheduled topics to work on, small group or partner work on poses, and classes. Typically, whenever there is a scheduled class at the location we're at for the day (Lotus has three studios around town), we join, too. And since our group is large (15ish), we tend to fill overwhelm the space which may account for some of the sweaties. I have loved the exposure to other instructors and class styles; from the very beginning of my yoga practice, I have learned something new in every class and of course teacher training is that x100. Also, for the sake of transparency/honesty, I will say that I totally thought Kundalini Yoga was going to be a walk in the park (not the asana-kicking workout it was instead). But my attitude remains, "bring it on." I love learning the things. I want to learn All. The. Things! So don't be surprised if, after my prenatal and kids certifications, you start hearing talk from me about doing a 300 or 500 level program, too. Yoga Grad School. I'm so excited!

But in case you're under the impression that once 4 p.m. rolls around I'm just a free lady rollin' around town, let me explain my additional requirements that I have to complete for this 200 program. On top of the day-in-day-out of the four weeks, I have to take 30 classes, do 10 observations, 10 assist teachings, and 6 kula (free to the community) classes. The good news is, I have a year to complete all of this extra stuff, but of course I want to take advantage of my kid-free time to knock out as much as I can while I am here this month. This means that I am trying most evenings to hit at least one and sometimes two extra classes (which meant, in addition to the classes we attended during regular hours on Tuesday, I did four -four! - yoga practices in one day. Oof!). I took Wednesday night off to see friends and Thursday night off to just decompress, but then this weekend I began my observations, of which I've now completed five. That's right - today after B and the kids left, I went to Midtown Crossing and then worked my way back across town, observing four different instructors teach their respective classes, visiting all three studios, throughout the day. Basic Power, (two) Flows, and Kids Age 6-10. So, so, so cool! Again, full disclosure...was totally going to go to a 4:00 flow so I could get my own practice in for the day but was so shot after the fourth observation that I ended up at Starbucks to blog instead. I promise - I will yoga in my furniture-free living room this evening.

As for the observations, I am envious every time of the people on the mats, but I learn so much sitting in the back of the room, taking notes on what the teacher is doing. And don't even get me started on my first one from yesterday - OmMama Prenatal. I am beyond jazzed to do that program later this year and can't wait to bring all that belly-lovin' goodness back to Hastings. Mama-to-be friends, you just wait - it's going to be amazing! And as for the rest of you, you might as well get your yogi-selves ready too, because you know I'm going to be talking off your ears about all this and the Kula requirement means I'll be asking y'all to be my guinea pigs for free classes! So. Come yoga. Come yoga with me (for free!)!

So, yes. I am indeed living the good yogi life, but it's hardly a life of leisure - not that I'd trade it for a darn thing though (except for wifi so I could skype with the Littles & Ben every day - that'd be the best).

Together!

WhooHooo! Week One of "Yoga School" is in the books! Yay, me! Yay, my group! Yay, my awesome, awesome hubs and adorable kids. We all survived Week One.

The Me Part: I'll be honest - I was nervous going into this whole month-immersion thing for the physicality of it as much as anything. I have a history with my back and a currently wonky left wrist, and while I am still feeling those things, I've been able to do pretty much everything that's been thrown at me this week. Some kneeling planks? You bet. Some passes on chaturangas? Sometimes. Yoga is not about ego (or at least it is certainly not meant to be), so I do my best not to let mine get the best of me during a practice so pride doesn't push me to do things that don't serve my body. It's hard when you are surrounded by other people who may be watching you, but that just circles back to the idea that your yoga practice is your own - it doesn't matter who or what is going on around you. And while I've been more sore and sweaty (and stinky) this week than I have been in quite some time, I'm feeling good. My body is tired but accomplished feeling. My head is stuffed and inspired but not (totally) drained. All together, everything this week has shown me that I am exactly where I need to be at this point my life which is waaaaaay awesome.

The Group Part: Yogis are great. This I already knew. But this week has been especially cool. To get thrown in with a group of people who are all striving for the same goal but all come with their own stories? It's so much fun. To have the stars align so that the only other SAHM mom becomes my assigned yoga buddy for the month (and she's got four kids just like I hope to have some day and she writes, too?)? That's just amazing. Of course in an experience such as this, there are the awkward getting-to-know-you moments, but when you're me and you have to find time and space to pump during each lunch break which inevitably leads to one of those times/spaces being the front lobby of the studio as everyone is coming back from lunch, well, you bond quickly. Thank goodness this didn't happen until Thursday. I mean, I'm sure everyone has noticed me digging in my shirts all week long (adjusting nursing pads, thanks), but to be sitting there strapped to a milking machine in semi-public? That's a whole new level of closeness for me. To their credit, all who witnessed that took it in total stride and the folks at LHOY have been super supportive of my continued-breastfeeding goals. While I feel like I'm consuming calories like I'm preggers again to keep up with the pumping and the yogaing, and while the pump is not my favorite accessory these days, it's going as well as can be. Mad props to the moms who pump when they go back to work and SUPER mad props to those mamas out there who pump exclusively because their babe never takes to the boob but they still want to give breastmilk. I bow down to you, because after five days of this racket, I was beyond thrilled to see, hold, and nurse Lincoln this afternoon.

The Hubs and Kids Part: Oh, man. I was soooo excited to get done at noon today so I could rush out the door and go see Ben and the Kiddlets. Sorry YTTs for not saying goodbye and happy weekend to any of you - I seriously just bolted as soon as I gathered my many, many bags from the hall. Although I was bummed to find out that Lincoln was napping when I got to the townhouse, I loved pulling in the drive and seeing HD's and RL's faces light up when they realized who had arrived. Such big hugs. Such delighted voices! And even though there was totally a break in the action for someone not five minutes after I walked in the door, the lovefest really did continue for much of the day. I pretty much had a kid on or near me the rest of the afternoon, minus the time that we took to go visit some friends. And Ben was so funny because while he handled the week home solo really well (I even had messages from friends this week who saw him at Prairie Loft Camp drop-off for HD and said he was smiling all the time), the whole getting-to-Omaha thing was a challenge. Not the actual travel portion - but the packing, for sure. He made me laugh because the first thing he said this morning when I called them was, "I seriously don't know how you do it (pack). I'm in awe and you're a total rock star." Poor guy. He's been spoiled, because in five years I've never made him pack for the whole family, so last night was clearly a bit of a rude awakening. But with our powers combined, we're a totally kick ass team, which I think we both realize and appreciate even more now. Plus, look at what they brought to surprise me and remind me of home - flowers from our garden.

My heart is so happy to have my fam with me for a couple days. I'm beyond blessed that they are so supportive of this journey and I'm so proud that I'm already this far into it!

Left of Right

Whoa. My mind is a little bit blown right now. We just gone done with a session on energy lines, the nadis, that run through our left and right sides and our centers. We also had a practice in the middle of the morning that was literally opening and put together some serious stuff for me.

One: I cannot breathe worth a darn through my left side. Left is the yin side, the dark side (not in a Star Wars way, thanks), the moon side. The right is your yang - your active, light, sun side.
This leads to Two, which is: the focus of my energy does not equate with my personality preferences, at least not the ones I'd like it to on a regular basis.

Because I've always known I'm an introvert, I've always assumed my moon and calm side was stronger, too. I like quiet. I like peaceful moments. Except then you add my brain into the equation and holy wow, I struggle to breathe out of my left nostril! I struggle to focus on the calm! (notice I did not say "can't" here, though). My sun side - my active energy - is ALL over the place. My thoughts are jumping and bouncing, my brain is always looking for the next item to check off the almighty To Do list. No freaking wonder I have such issues with sleep! Because my Pingala side is sort of constantly (OK, really all the time) going, I have a much harder time connecting with my Ida. I see this in my breath, I see this in my anxiety levels, I see this in my sleep. All the time. (I also see it in the scattered way I am writing this post, but there you have it (me) on Day Four of YTT).

The beautiful thing about this yoga, this life, is that I know how powerful the mind is and that through intention and practice, I can improve. It may take my entire lifetime (and maybe more?) to get there, but I will keep trying. I can set my mind on opening my left side, of building its strength to in turn build my balance, my center. I can totally do that. I do not expect it to come easily or immediately. But by choosing not to say "can't" or "never" I can know that I will get there. And just as I can now (sometimes) move my feet from forward fold to plank without "scratching the record" I will train my body to open to the yin (and who doesn't want to practice more yin?). I will come left of right to find my (right) balance.

Feel the Love

It fees like it has been a lifetime since I last wrote. In some ways, that is exactly what it has been. Since arriving in Omaha Sunday, I’ve been on a heck of a ride and I’m already looking at this teacher training as a benchmark. The official start of my next chapter.

Let me begin by saying that being away from home is not easy. I miss my family. I miss holding my babies. I called Ben yesterday morning while HD was at Prairie Loft camp and Linky was napping and when he asked Raegan if she wanted to talk to Mama, I heard the joy and excitement and slight desperation in her voice as she came running, saying “YES!”, to grab the phone. The “Hi, Mama. I mish you.” almost made me dissolve in tears. But of course I know they are fine and are having lots of fun in my absence. And I know there are fabulous people in our village who are helping out while I’m away. To the friends who have offered rides or play dates, etc., Thank You. Thank You, Thank You, THANK You, from the bottom of my heart for loving on my family during this chaotic but exciting time. I owe you big time (and will totally repay your kindness with free yoga classes when I return!).

Another Thank You goes out to all those who have sent me messages of encouragement via facebook or text. I don’t have the Interwebs where I am staying, so when I do get a chance to hop online and see your messages, they are so awesome. And same goes for the texts. My heart smiles every time to hear that someone is thinking of me and wishing me well on this journey. Your love and support confirm that they joy I feel in my yoga practice is evident, especially when you return that joy and love to me in messages. Did I just go over a hippy dippy cliff with that line? Probably. You all knew it was coming, though, did you not? I was never terribly far from that edge to begin with, so why wouldn’t a month-long intensive yoga training get me all the way there in three days?!

But really, although I am sore and sweaty (and oh-so-very stinky), I am doing so well here. I am loving everything that comes my way (even though 8AM Power this morning almost made me pass out – twice). The vibe is great and the Oms are beautiful. While I may miss my home studio and all my Hastings folks, I know I get to bring back so so (ha – OITNB joke) much knowledge and good energy when I return. Although yoga is a solitary practice, the potential and opportunity for community and connection through it are huge. Because you are reading this, you are part of my community. Because of my community, I am able to venture out solo while also knowing I’m not alone. That is amazing. That is love. 

We Begin Tomorrow

Holy mother of what a weekend. The last few days have been intense. On top of celebrating the Good Ol’ Red, White, and Blue, we have, of course, been celebrating our own Yankee Doodle baby as Lincoln turned one on Friday. With the exception of fighting naps (no surprises there), he had a wonderful day. There was a parade, a high chair worthy of The Oval Office, and, naturally, a cupcake. He might have been a wee bit tired and more sugarfied than ever before by the time we put him to bed, but I think he had a pretty fantastic day of One. I know the rest of the fam certainly enjoyed it!

But, yes. On top of Fourth of July activities and First of Lincoln activities (which also included family pics the day after his birthday to celebrate his first year and my parent’s 35^th wedding anniversary), and trying to get ready to leave for Omaha, I’m rather surprised that my head didn’t just spin right off my shoulders this weekend. It’s probably a good thing I’m a good planner (for the most part – forgot my toothbrush, but thankfully that’s easily fixed) and so infatuated with yoga. Deep breaths have kept me relatively calm this weekend (at least on the outside – on the inside I’ve been mildly freaking out for at least the last 48 hours).

There’s just a ton swirling through my head right now. I’m trying to get used to the idea of being in Omaha for four weeks where I can see folks I rarely get to see (and let’s be honest – the fact that I’ll be staying within minutes of a Target is not exactly a bummer)...of being away from my kids for longer than ever before in one stretch...of pumping ALL. THE. TIME...of the taking on such a big challenge – mentally and physically – with the teacher training...

I’m also trying to wrap my head around the fact that my baby is both one now and trying to conquer the world these days. The kid is all over the place. Literally – he can get all over the house in super speedy fashion, even though he rarely bothers to get all the way up on his hands and knees to crawl. He’s also pulling himself up on every and all ledges, climbing up and on and over things, and is full on IN LOVE with stairs. If he hears the door to the upper or lower levels of our house open, he goes army crawling at top speed (which is saying something) and starts scooting up (or down) them. For the most part, Ben and I are there with him when he does this. Thankfully, if we are not, then his brother or sister usually are and another thankfully comes into play for them being the loudest little people I know because they always start hollering, “Linky stairs! Linky’s GOING ON THE STAIRS!” so that Daddy or Mama can come running for the assist. Now, mind you – I am running a constant campaign for these access doors to stay shut, but in a family of five where four people can operate doors but two of those people are under the age of five, that just doesn’t happen. But let’s not blame the children entirely – Ben and I forget plenty, too (how could we not with all the heads almost spinning off the shoulders that's been happening lately?!). 

Of all the Lincoln accomplishments of late, I think my real Oh My of being gone, besides the What if? of continuing nursing is whether or not he will suddenly decide to start walking. He’s just recently begun cruising along the couch and kitchen bench, but he’s also doing all this crazy down dog/headstand business that makes me think he wants to be standing and soon. And once he gets that figured out, I don’t think it will be long before he starts walking running. Naturally I told Ben he needs to discourage all such behavior while I am away. I don’t want to miss it! But, since Linky’s achievements are far from being all about me, I will take it in stride (ha – pun not intended but it’s a good one) if he decides to get up and go.

As for my own first steps down the path of teaching yoga, I am most excited. The support and encouragement I have received from folks has been so great. I cannot wait to bring back all that I have learned and see what begins from here. Am I nervous and antsy in that way that can only be described as “first day of school” jitters? You bet. But I’ve always loved school, so hiphip for the start of what I explained to HD & RL today as “Yoga School.” Namaste.